swordianmaster: dragon maleficent gettin' stab (wicked)
( Apr. 1st, 2010 12:01 am)

I'm nervous as fuck, but this is it.

First day of the rest of my life. Here goes nothing.

See you on the other side, peeps. In about a week, if all goes well. Wish me luck.

And since today is April 1st, FREE PORN
Firstly, April 1st is the day of reckoning in many such ways for me. I'm gonna be moving back to Texas, but this time I'm flying unaided, without a safety net, and nigh blind. There's no way to put it off any longer, and to do so would be a worse option even if I could, but god damn if I'm not scared absolutely, positively shitless at the thought of possibly ending up homeless. I will make sure Ariana is provided for, if nothing else... absolute worst case scenario, I can do that. But, well, damn. There's so many things that COULD go wrong that the pessimist side of me is positively, absolutely freaking the fuck out and I'd be lying if I didn't say it was downright paralyzing.

So I've been trying to shut down my mind the past few days, and wouldn't you know it, Soul Silver came out yesterday, so I've been working on my game-running team here. LOL CUT FOR POKENERDERY )

Even more Pokenerdery! )

swordianmaster: dragon maleficent gettin' stab (malificent)
( Dec. 20th, 2009 02:58 pm)
Wonder what it says about your feelings towards someone, that the best dream you've had in quite some time...

Is of you chatting with them on AIM.

Just... chatting.
"I used to have dreams, once."
"I used to have a kidney stone once! EVERYTHING PASSES. Now stop dreamin' and get back to workin' for a livin'!"

You spend your whole life preparing for the feeling, and the first two or three times it actually happens, be it to family or even close friends, it completely floors you anyway.

I wouldn't blame any of you if you didn't remember me mentioning her, but June Reese was in charge of the Trips and Tours here, as well as the senior social dances every month.

I say was, because I found out that she passed away Wednesday.

She was a spaz, I'll say that much right here and now. For better or worse, she freaked out and ran around like a chicken with her head cut off at EVERYTHING that didn't go exactly to plan. But at the same time, that showed something about her that many people here at the city don't have. It showed that she CARED. That she had passion for her work.

She drove me nuts and I swear half the time she was senile and the other half she acted it just to get people to leave her be, but she really was an awesome person and I'm gonna miss her. She was one of the few remaining staff other than me who worked at the old center.

I'm not sure how old she was, but it was in her late 70s or early 80s... I'm not sure on the specifics of how she passed, but from what I can tell it was some sort of flu-related cause.

Rest in peace, June. You'll be missed, even by someone who's two generations your junior.
swordianmaster: the crudest drawing of a sword imaginable (THIS IS SHADOW'S RAGEFACE)
( Sep. 9th, 2009 02:52 pm)
"Hot enough for ya?"

swordianmaster: frustrated neku (*headdesk*)
( Sep. 5th, 2009 09:34 am)
What the hell, I'll try my friends list.

Is anyone here knowledgeable enough - or knows someone who is - about wiring and electrics to know what the hell our problem is?

Last night, sometime between 8 and 10 PM (I am unsure because I was out of the house at the time, what with being at work), a select span of things just stopped running. Amongst the newly-defunct - at current count, the ONLY things that went out - were the light in our laundry room, the ceiling fan in my room, my daughter's nightlight, and our air conditioner.

Now, keep in mind, before you say it sounds like a tripped circuit:

The AC is on its own isolated circuit.

The lights in question are on the GFI, but are the ONLY things not working. Other things on the GFI (my computer, the other lights in the house, et al), are totally functional. No circuits are tripped.

Any ideas?
swordianmaster: dragon maleficent gettin' stab (wicked)
( Aug. 26th, 2009 04:28 pm)
I need out of here, so bad. I am so sick of this house, so sick of California.

Am I the only person who finds passive-aggression more painful and abusive than actual physical or emotional attacks?
I need out of here.

I need out of here so bad.

It was bad enough when I was getting a constant inferiority complex from being around my mother, but now DeAnna's getting it too. We feel like NOTHING we do is up to her Ever So Perfect standards, and the way she talks to us, I'm fairly well certain that, even though she denies it vehemently, she looks down on us because of it. Because we're worse than her. After all, we aren't going to the levels of selfless whoring out sacrifice that she did when she raised me and my sister.

Not to mention that now it seems like any time anything happens here, it's our fault.

Except when we try to point this out, then it becomes OH ME OH MY I GUESS I'M JUST THE WICKED WITCH TIME TO STEAL SOULS AND SLIT MY WRISTS. I'm really sick of this. I need out. I need a way to get OUT of this shithole state, OUT of this nigh-abusive household...

I need to get back to Texas somehow.
swordianmaster: frustrated neku (gfherghnrfgh)
( Sep. 7th, 2008 07:12 am)

missing another day of work because deanna's spent the whole morning coughing and/or puking.

why does it feel like i'm the only one in the house that actually does anything other than bitch, sometimes
I hate large crowds of people.

I hate it when large crowds of people MILL AROUND LIKE CATTLE before going where they need to go, which is to say, ANYWHERE BUT HERE.

I hate feeling like people have no faith in me because they always have a fucking conniption fit every time something like this happens even though I have proven time and again I am able to pull through in a situation IDENTICAL to this.

More info later when I'm either off work or when I'm done with what I need getting done.
swordianmaster: the crudest drawing of a sword imaginable (with the pills and the poppoppoppoppop)
( Jul. 19th, 2008 09:46 am)
This. Is the boringest. Day. Ever.

And I'm only two hours in, not counting the hour before opening the center that I come in.

Making it worse is the fact that two of my bestest bestest online friends ([livejournal.com profile] carriepika and [livejournal.com profile] bossgoji) are BOTH in the middle of long, grueling out-of-state rides liable to be full of assdeath and absolutely no internets. As of such, I am SO RONERY.

Add in the fact that I have approximately NO work to do today, the fact that my DS will only last 6 hours or so (out of a 10 hour shift, that means a good part will be spent game-less, at the very least) and that these computers suck copious amounts of ass... I dunno. Maybe I'll try to download some low-requirement emulators on my SD Card and see if I can run 'em off of these clunkers. I'd be stuck using the keyboard, but it beats staring at a blank screen all day.

For those who haven't heard from me, I'm doing better, for varying quantities of "better". Ever since my breakdown last week, I've been on a hair trigger - losing my cool more often, getting more irritated by my daughter acting like ANY two year old would, that sort of thing. I'm also seriously jonesing for the ability to get a Gamecube and play Sonic Adventure 2 Battle again. Sadly, I lack even the $40 or so in spare funds it would cost to buy them used from the Gamestop Mafia. :\ And no, I'm not trading in any of the games I have. (Currently: Elite Beat Agents, WarioWare Twisted, WarioWare Touched, PMD: Explorers of Darkness, and FFTA2. Yeah, that's it)

It's been a while since I've just up-and-rambled about stuff on my El Jay, so I guess it was well overdue. Woobie woobie woobie.

Caramel + Danzig = Caramelldansen???
I've been bouncing back and forth for the past three hours between homocidal rage and soul-crushing depression. Having taken a walk to clear my mind, I find myself firmly mired, now, in the latter.

I don't know how much longer I can take this.

DeAnna's luck is as good as ever; after being told she was "unofficially guarunteed" a job, she gets screwed out of the position at the last possible moment. Money is just as tight as ever, and I can't even get any sort of reprieve since my one way of finding release involves mindlessly blowing money.

Since early March, I've gained roughly 20 pounds due to inactivity and depression. It's not healthy for me, and by this point others have sincerely started to notice.

Unlike others who find their sleep hounded by constant nightmares, my sleep is empty. Dreamless. I find myself unable to sit still for extended periods, even at home in front of the computer, without starting to pass out. I've actually blacked out at points at work, and I fear it might eventually jeopardize my employment. I've passed out while watching my daughter, during which time she's free to scrounge in places she isn't supposed to be in, and could eventually hurt herself and I'll be oblivious to it. I, unlike her mother, have slept through my daughter crying.

I can hardly concentrate on writing any more. Something that brought me untold pleasure in the past is now a dark spot of nothing but fear, pain, and regret. WorthPlaying has probably gotten rid of me now; not that I blame them. Technically, I owe them $150 worth of games and/or reviews.

I just.... sometimes I just need to wring the literal life out of something. Inanimate objects don't work, and I find myself only able to take it out on the weak and defenseless since I'm not strong enough to hold my own against a real, aware human being.

I'm pathetic, and I just want to curl up somewhere and die.
Well, I've got a 10K loan pending. Kind of. I guess. I probably won't use all or even a portion of it, but I need SOME sort of cushion to get back on my feet; as it is, it feels like I'm plunging into a proverbial bottomless pit with no end in sight, financially.

Been thinking over the past week about something [livejournal.com profile] eternalfire said to me years ago. About how people evolve, relationships evolve. Sometimes, that evolution drives people further apart. And... you know, it only took me five or six years to realize, but yeah, she's completely right. The friends I had back when I was getting out of high school and just starting to explore my place in the world... they aren't the same people I call my friends now. Some of them have just changed for the better or worse, but for the most part, the biggest change has been to me.

I don't hang out in #RPGCafe any more. I don't know why, or how it happened, but I just... distanced myself from it. Nowdays, I spend more of my time with the BOTVGH crew, or on the SA forums, or RPing on Livejournal. I still consider myself a furry, I suppose, but... dear lord. The days where I could literally spend nine hours playing out an elaborate, emotional scene with someone... now that I have a daughter to take care of and a significant other demanding my time (typically for menial things, like 'can you do this' or 'okay I'm going to ramble on at length about American Idol even though you don't care') I can hardly get two hours at a time on, much less without interruption.

I still think about the #RPGCafe crew, and a fair number of them are still on my LJ friends list. But, I mean, I don't talk to them any more. I don't know if they miss me, but I do miss a fair number of them. The biggest problem... I don't miss who I was back then. I've grown, I've gotten better... I actually feel like a person now, albeit a rather unimpressive, obnoxious one. Did I have to get rid of one to get rid of the other? I don't know.

I'm really freaking sleepy. There's two ladies here looking through our Senior newsletter right up here at the front desk, rambling at each other in another language - I think it's Korean or Chinese - and I really wish I could just put my head on the desk and pass out. As nice as it is working two days a week, I really wish I could just be a stay-at-home-dad and kind of work "my own" hours... or rather, my daughter's.
swordianmaster: dragon maleficent gettin' stab (malificent)
( May. 24th, 2008 10:18 am)
First of all, new mood theme. I grabbed it for an RP journal that fell through, but the theme itself is too awesome not to use. Many thanks, [livejournal.com profile] sapphire_heaven and [livejournal.com profile] cute_moodthemes.

Secondly, I worry about my future. Not so much "am I going to get fired/killed/whatever", no.

I worry about how badly I'm gonna fuck myself up around the next turn. I'm $400 in the hole right now, maybe going towards $500, mostly due to factors outside of my immediate control. Yes, I started it all in motion, but it snowballed. Before anyone assumes, no, I'm not asking for money again.

Have to be strong.

If I'm not strong, I'm gonna get eaten alive by American society as we know it. They say it's a "dog eat dog" world, and if that's so, I'm a milkbone. :|

The worst part of this all, to be honest... well, okay, the worst part of it is stressing about making sure I can feed and diaper my daughter. But that I've got under control for the most part. So the second worst part of it is... well... talking to my mom. I essentially am supposed to be paying her $150 rent each paycheck, which... really, considering what I get, is perfectly reasonable.

But I can't rightly pay her if I can't even get out of the red on my own bank account, now can I? *sigh* I keep hoping, I keep waiting for one of the jobs DeAnna's trying to get to pan out, but... as more and more time goes by, I'm starting to become painfully aware of one major thing: DeAnna has chronic, violent bad luck. Luck bad enough that it screws over other peoples' lives in order to mess up DeAnna's day. And I'm not just talking me, either.

I seriously don't know how I'm supposed to break it to her, week after week, that I can't pay her. I can't stand the Parental Guilt Trips any more, and it seems like every time I try to say something about something my mother's doing that isn't fair, I'm vilifying her and suddenly I want her to die and ARGH.

I can't take this much longer.

But at the same time, I'm never going to be able to make it on my own.

I... still don't understand why DeAnna's still around, to be honest. Who would really want someone as generally useless as me?

Meh. All of this put together has essentially been giving me non-nightmares... which is to say, they're not nightmares... but when I wake up and think about what exactly went on in the dream... it makes me feel like someone just stabbed me in the chest.

My own dreams are guilt-tripping me. To be honest... I'd... almost take the nightmares. (Though, to be honest, I fully expect [livejournal.com profile] bossgoji and [livejournal.com profile] carriepika to totally tell me how wrong I am and how asstastic constant nightmares are, and I won't be able to deny their claims)

I don't know. I'm stream-of-consciousness ranting again. That's never good.
swordianmaster: dragon maleficent gettin' stab (malificent)
( Apr. 30th, 2008 06:39 pm)
I'm at one of my serious lows.

I'm out of medication until Tuesday.

I'm still waiting for that goddamn "stimulus rebate" bullshit so that I know if I have any sort of economic future.

Usually, when I'm depressed, I'll impulse-buy. Can't do that right now because I have no money. S'fucking driving me nuts because I've been aching to get my DS back something fierce.

Needless to say, my mood is bottom of the barrel right now. If you don't see me online for the next few days, that's why.

Be back when I feel like life sucks less.
swordianmaster: dragon maleficent gettin' stab (wicked)
( Oct. 22nd, 2007 01:44 pm)

I get your point, world.

I'm useless. DeAnna's useless. Trying to argue the fact is only a way to alienate our family, our friends, and everyone who expects anything from us. No, they should just be disappointed, because we're so useless.

Is that really what your goddamn society wanted out of me?!
swordianmaster: the crudest drawing of a sword imaginable (omfg DRUGS)
( Jun. 9th, 2006 10:06 am)
....I wonder if's a bad thing to go to your last day at a job after being (violently, by alarm clock) woken up from a dream about doing that exact job.
swordianmaster: the crudest drawing of a sword imaginable (Default)
( May. 15th, 2006 07:47 pm)
Okay, a few things. One, I am gonna stay around California for a while - not really by choice, but by virtue of Ariana and DeAnna still being here. In addition, it really is in my best interests to get psychiatric help. I've got layers of problems, including bipolar and a history of emotional control issues... naturally, if I don't get those worked on, I am gonna hurt someone I care about sooner or later.

Past that, I forgot. I seriously did. Mind is like cole slaw... ghrnflrfns.
swordianmaster: daxter peering from bottom right. is it safe? (Is it safe?)
( May. 8th, 2006 01:42 pm)
Well, it's kind of ironic, seeing as I'm at work, but this is really the only place were I have the presence of mind to update my journal, seeing as I'm here covering for the staff in the computer lab at Central Park. Once again, my schedule of "spaz out, don't update for a few months, infodump all in one post, spaz out" seems to be working superbly, as a lot has happened since I last made a serious post.

1) Ariana Denise Marie Porbansky. Yes, I now have a daughter. That alone is enough to drive me around the bend, especially since it feels like I can't do anything for myself any more - even think. I feel like I'm not allowed to -think-, and it's driving me crazy.
2) I also now have two jobs (paying jobs, for those of you who are all like HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR BUT BEEING A DADDY IS A JORB TO, BRIAN LOLZ - god damn retarded coworkers) to make ends meet: the job I had at the James L. Brulte Senior Center (occasionally referred to as 'Central Park', as that's the proper building name) setting up rooms and performing routine customer service, and a job at the Best Western here in Rancho Cucamonga, doing...well, the exact same thing. I set up rooms, keep things clean, smile and wave at folks as I pass them by. Really, the dual jobs isn't bothering me too bad (past the fact I never get a day off ever again)... I suppose it's one advantage of having absolutely nobrainer work. My only problems are office politics here at the center, really. Damn city government...
3) Due to these two facts, two things have occured: one, my reviewing at WorthPlaying has trickled down a bit since I seem to have NO FREE TIME EVER AGAIN, and two, I now have a DS and have been spending way more money than I should on games, of which I now have three - Tetris DS, Kirby Canvas Curse, and Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow. Love for all the games, particularly DoS. Rocket-propelled grenade launcher for the mothafuckin WIN. No other game system can claim it allows you to play as Dracula whilst blowing up zombies with fucking RPG rounds. ...Except for maybe some obscure-ass Quake mod, I dunno.

So, how's life? Life is... stressful. DeAnna's had complication after complication related to the pregnancy, delivery, her weight, and so forth, I feel like I have exactly no free time I can spend doing anything to vent, and I'm missing progressively more work to help DeAnna with our daughter.

Above all that, it's just getting more and more obvious how much I regret having to leave Texas - sure, the state itself was full of rednecks and asshole drivers, but at least I felt more free there. Here in California, I feel like I'm trapped into living with my mother, stuck in shitty jobs just to keep myself - and my family - sane, and don't really have anywhere to go in order to destress. I will admit that it has its advantages though - [livejournal.com profile] mutt12, my old roomie, had a tendency to... well, hyperspaz when things went awry.. I can only imagine what kind of wreck he would've been if we'd stayed with him, what with the repeated problems DeAnna's had - job or no job. My mom, at the very least, is very, very calm and rational about those things, and if it weren't for her, we'd probably have a couple thousand dollars EXTRA in hospital bills now. (Not counting the $5000 that I've racked up over the past two years. Aiyaaaa...)


swordianmaster: the crudest drawing of a sword imaginable (Default)
i am a sord lol


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