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First of all, new mood theme. I grabbed it for an RP journal that fell through, but the theme itself is too awesome not to use. Many thanks, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sapphire_heaven and ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
cute_moodthemes.
Secondly, I worry about my future. Not so much "am I going to get fired/killed/whatever", no.
I worry about how badly I'm gonna fuck myself up around the next turn. I'm $400 in the hole right now, maybe going towards $500, mostly due to factors outside of my immediate control. Yes, I started it all in motion, but it snowballed. Before anyone assumes, no, I'm not asking for money again.
Have to be strong.
If I'm not strong, I'm gonna get eaten alive by American society as we know it. They say it's a "dog eat dog" world, and if that's so, I'm a milkbone. :|
The worst part of this all, to be honest... well, okay, the worst part of it is stressing about making sure I can feed and diaper my daughter. But that I've got under control for the most part. So the second worst part of it is... well... talking to my mom. I essentially am supposed to be paying her $150 rent each paycheck, which... really, considering what I get, is perfectly reasonable.
But I can't rightly pay her if I can't even get out of the red on my own bank account, now can I? *sigh* I keep hoping, I keep waiting for one of the jobs DeAnna's trying to get to pan out, but... as more and more time goes by, I'm starting to become painfully aware of one major thing: DeAnna has chronic, violent bad luck. Luck bad enough that it screws over other peoples' lives in order to mess up DeAnna's day. And I'm not just talking me, either.
I seriously don't know how I'm supposed to break it to her, week after week, that I can't pay her. I can't stand the Parental Guilt Trips any more, and it seems like every time I try to say something about something my mother's doing that isn't fair, I'm vilifying her and suddenly I want her to die and ARGH.
I can't take this much longer.
But at the same time, I'm never going to be able to make it on my own.
I... still don't understand why DeAnna's still around, to be honest. Who would really want someone as generally useless as me?
Meh. All of this put together has essentially been giving me non-nightmares... which is to say, they're not nightmares... but when I wake up and think about what exactly went on in the dream... it makes me feel like someone just stabbed me in the chest.
My own dreams are guilt-tripping me. To be honest... I'd... almost take the nightmares. (Though, to be honest, I fully expectbossgoji and carriepika to totally tell me how wrong I am and how asstastic constant nightmares are, and I won't be able to deny their claims)
I don't know. I'm stream-of-consciousness ranting again. That's never good.
sapphire_heaven and cute_moodthemes.Secondly, I worry about my future. Not so much "am I going to get fired/killed/whatever", no.
I worry about how badly I'm gonna fuck myself up around the next turn. I'm $400 in the hole right now, maybe going towards $500, mostly due to factors outside of my immediate control. Yes, I started it all in motion, but it snowballed. Before anyone assumes, no, I'm not asking for money again.
Have to be strong.
If I'm not strong, I'm gonna get eaten alive by American society as we know it. They say it's a "dog eat dog" world, and if that's so, I'm a milkbone. :|
The worst part of this all, to be honest... well, okay, the worst part of it is stressing about making sure I can feed and diaper my daughter. But that I've got under control for the most part. So the second worst part of it is... well... talking to my mom. I essentially am supposed to be paying her $150 rent each paycheck, which... really, considering what I get, is perfectly reasonable.
But I can't rightly pay her if I can't even get out of the red on my own bank account, now can I? *sigh* I keep hoping, I keep waiting for one of the jobs DeAnna's trying to get to pan out, but... as more and more time goes by, I'm starting to become painfully aware of one major thing: DeAnna has chronic, violent bad luck. Luck bad enough that it screws over other peoples' lives in order to mess up DeAnna's day. And I'm not just talking me, either.
I seriously don't know how I'm supposed to break it to her, week after week, that I can't pay her. I can't stand the Parental Guilt Trips any more, and it seems like every time I try to say something about something my mother's doing that isn't fair, I'm vilifying her and suddenly I want her to die and ARGH.
I can't take this much longer.
But at the same time, I'm never going to be able to make it on my own.
I... still don't understand why DeAnna's still around, to be honest. Who would really want someone as generally useless as me?
Meh. All of this put together has essentially been giving me non-nightmares... which is to say, they're not nightmares... but when I wake up and think about what exactly went on in the dream... it makes me feel like someone just stabbed me in the chest.
My own dreams are guilt-tripping me. To be honest... I'd... almost take the nightmares. (Though, to be honest, I fully expect
bossgoji and carriepika to totally tell me how wrong I am and how asstastic constant nightmares are, and I won't be able to deny their claims)I don't know. I'm stream-of-consciousness ranting again. That's never good.
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