i am a sord lol

First order of business: I am sick. Like, pass out standing up, constantly in the bathroom, vomit my eyeballs out sick. I have called work and my assistant manager has said he will try to work things out, but I just get this feeling in my gut there is nothing I can do.

And so I am going to get chewed out by the General Manager.

For being sick.

Fuck you, Marbella.

Secondly: SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME

WHO IN THEIR RIGHT FUCKING MIND THINKS THAT THE BEST WAY TO PREPARE A TACO IS TO DEEP-FRY THAT SONOFABITCH?

Seriously, to this DAY I don't understand it, and I now have a heat blister on my thumb to prove how little I understand it.

AFTER WORKING TWO HOURS OVERTIME

I FIND OUT I LEFT MY WALLET AT WORK

SO NOW I HAVE TO WALK ALL THE WAY BACK

fuck me :|

I thought summer might be over by mid-september but I guess I was wrong hey hey

EDIT: Fuck it, I'm waiting until the sun goes down so I don't melt

So. First stint at temp work today. My opinion? It STINKS.

...literally, even, since the place I had to work was a spice warehouse.

God fucking damn, I have a new respect for drug smugglers if they willingly go through that shit ILLEGALLY, for any reason whatsoever. Gahh.


Let's just say that lots of ground pepper + fennel + nutmeg = MY SINUS A SPLODE. To say nothing of the usual warehouse "We can't afford to air condition this whole place" conditions.


gahh. Do not want ever again.

Edit: Alternate alternate title: ¡Apesta!

...I hate Earthlink.

First? We called on the 19th. They said the modem would come in 3-5 business days.

On the 29th, it still hadn't showed. My mother called them up, and we were told that it had not been shipped out. We were assured that, in compensation, they would ship it overnight delivery, free of charge.

ON THE 31ST, IT STILL HADN'T SHOWED. My mother calls again, turns out they shipped it - ground transit. FROM INDIA, PROBABLY. Newest ETA? The 7th. How much you wanna bet it won't show up THEN, either?

Happy fucking new year.

no internet and no internet make swordie fucking annoyed
no internet and no internet make swordie fucking annoyed
no internet and no internet make swordie fucking annoyed

Matthew 5:5 left something out.

I've taken the initiative to edit it back in.

5.5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth after the bold reduce everything to blackened, lifeless cinders.

Translation? No matter what you do, you're not going to save the earth in this lifetime. Certainly it's possible, but only by changing people a little at a time. Baby steps. However, don't expect the meek to inherit the earth any time before the prideful blow everything to hell. After all, the prideful are the ones that are closer to the "unholy" forces of greed, gluttony, and sloth; they are the rich, the decision makers, while the meek are the laborers, the unappreciated. And if any sort of influence by religion in my life has taught me anything? It's that Lucifer has all the easy answers. God trusts those who wish to go to heaven to earn their path through blood, sweat, and tears; those who have the power to change things at a whim are instead corrupted by that power, and play with lives as if they were lesser things; statistics as opposed to living souls.

Focus on survival, folks. Try to make an impact, but touch each life minorly, don't expect to fix the world before you pass on, and don't expect your children to fix it either. This is only something we can save with a little work each time.

...it's finally happened again.

I'm $350 overdrafted currently. My paycheck, which is coming tomorrow, is only $325. I have no money with which to pay my mother rent (which, while I won't be kicked out like in other places, I know for certain it'll be a painful experience which'll make me want to curl in a corner and die) or to get my child food and diapers.

I'd... really rather not trade in the Wii itself, after all the trouble I went to getting it a few months back when I was briefly solvent due to tax refund.

Is there anyone out there on my friends list willing and able to provide me with some sort of financial backing...? I really hate to ask people this, but I'm practically at the end of my rope here...

:\ Sorry in advance for asking people about all this, but... gah. Just... gthgf.

You ever get the feeling you're sinking, and no matter how hard you try, you can't keep your head above water?

....I need money. Bad. I'd rather not go into details, but is there anyone out there on my friends list that can spare anything? Any little bit helps, though I'm probably gonna need roundabouts of $200-300 total just to get by this month. I probably wouldn't be able to repay you soon, if ever, though if needed I could offer up what few games I do have, or other whatnots.

Thanks in advance to anyone who sees fit to be able to help me, and if you can't, well...

Trust me. I understand. I know how it is to be tight on money, obviously.

katarani@gmail.com

Three days in. Three. fucking. days. in. And I have another lashout, forcing the guy who was keeping a roof over my head here in Dallas to say "It's not doing any good here, you need to go back to California".

It's a lot more complicated than that, but essentially, all I should need to say is that he's justified in his reasons and I'm now treading on the thinnest of ice everywhere in my life...


god, I feel so damn worthless..

Ugh. Life just keeps getting better, you know? At the moment, the suck is in remission and I've actually woken up a little early for work, so I can kind of vent in here. Maybe. If I can get the words out.


The senior center - James L. Brulte, mind you, the 'evolution' of my old job at the Rancho Cucamonga Senior Center - is killing me.

The politics, the inanity, the chiefs (we'll get to that later)... I'm getting way too stressed, and with a ~$600 a month job, I can't afford to do that. Especially with a child on the way and a significant other too pregnant to work. I got admitted to the hospital about a month ago, in ER state. Thought I was having a heart attack. Turns out, no heart attack, I just have approximately an unholy fuckload more liver enzymes than I should. So my liver is acting roughly like a weather balloon in my chest and trying to hump the hell out of all my internal organs.

I can only guess that stress, while not potentially the main factor, certainly played a role. I can't stand my job.

Sure. What I do is essentially banquet hall setup. That part is fine. If I was doing that for a hotel or a convention center, I'd be aces. But at the same time, I'm under a microscope, as I often feel like I'm the only indian in a tribe of chiefs, as the saying goes. As a general, we have at least five supervisors we answer to, when typically we have maybe... two people actually working at a time. I personally could be considered to have six, as June Reese, the woman in charge of the city's Trips and Tours program, seemed to have no problem begging to get me back doing work for her as soon as I got back into this job.

And then there's all the politics.

This is city government. Nothing, and I mean nothing ever goes right here. And folks above my head keep throwing around the blame like a football, completely ignorant that while they do so, our patrons are taking their own personal dissatisfaction with the center and placing responsibility solely on the one person who can't pass it on to someone else - the Recreation Assistants. The low men on the totem pole. The grunts. Me.This reflects poorly on my work ethic, and so I get yelled at by the same supervisors who should have stepped up to the mound and actually planned for situations such as may have happened.

The worst part? I can't seem to break free. Every job I've tried to find has been a dead end. I keep calling employment agencies, they don't call back. I interview with companies, I get rejected. All I'm asking for is a job that either pays a bit better, or that doesn' t keep pushing me further and further into a grave. Is that so much to ask?

Apparently it is. Apparently I'm not qualified to do anything but walk and drool on myself at the same time. Here are my current problems:

1) No car. This is by choice, but it's really wrecking my chances for a job. Don't these people know that some people can't drive!? I know pembrokewkorgi is medically prohibited from driving, and I personally feel that I can't trust myself behind the wheel without major psychiatric help. I have a fear of driving that stems from recurring nightmares in my early teen years, which may in turn be derived from repressed memories - no way to tell. Either way, I know that when I get behind the wheel, an accident is inevitable - Even if I drove perfectly, there are a lot of asshats with cellphones grafted into their skull out there, and I'd eventually get hit. And I seriously feel that if I do get in an accident, it won't happen again.

Because, you know, I'd be dead. That sort of thing always ruins my fun.

2) I have no degree. I have no way of showing how skilled I am. As a matter of fact, my final GPA at school was average if not downright abysmal. School was a really tough part of my life, and as in most things, the part that mattered the least to me - the schoolwork - got brushed under the carpet and ignored.

3) I've never been in a job more than two years. mutt12 had it easy. When I was living with him in Dallas, he got a job within weeks. Why? Because he lasted in a job known for its lay-offs for a good five years. I don't have that advantage. Hell, I haven't even been work-worthy for five years yet. I'm only twenty-two and already I have to do things like this.

4) This one is more of a personal thing - I won't work retail. I know how I react to problems better than anyone else, and I know the pressure of retail would make me snap in a matter of weeks. It has before - Engrave 'N Things proved that. Plus, I have absolutely no way of finding a job in retail that either a) pays more than minimum wage, b) hires full time hours, c) treats me like a real person, or d) any of the above.

I just feel trapped. I can't work at the center any more, but at the same time, I can't leave, and it seems like the only other options I have are ones that actually make me worse off than I am. Ugh..

And it doesn't help that my mother's job - since she's paying the bills and all - is raping her up the ass as bad, if not worse, than mine is. She's stretched thinner than a sheet, it's causing her noticable damage, as well, and worst of all, I can't do anything to help. I'm so mired in my own bills that I can barely even help her with expenses. (Of course, at the same time, she flat out recommends I try that very same company, knowing how badly it's screwed her. And doesn't understand why I refuse. The hell?)

And as a final minor bit of icing - little things, but still there:
1) My iPod fried again about a week ago. I'm beginning to think of trying to find Steve Jobs and giving him a swift kick in the iNards.
2) Tales of Phantasia for the GBA is published...by... Nintendo. MOTHERFUCKING NINTENDO. That means no, no review possibilities there, as Nintendo seems to hate WorthPlaying with a passion - or at least ignore the site with a something. Same shit happened with FF4 Advance... except -that- was playable on VBA. Lord only knows how ToP will run. IF there's a rom out there.

Argh. It's time to go to work.

Sometimes I wonder if it's -just- the depression. I have so much that's fucked up with me, I don't know where to start.

Am I wrong for not having a job yet? Am I wrong for not whoring myself out to every business with a 'Now Hiring' sign? I don't even know why I pass them up.. part of me says it's because of a conditioned thought that I'm too good for a lot of those shitty jobs, another part says it's because of a completely different conditioned thought that tells me I'm pretty much doomed to fuck up everything I undertake so completely and totally... That second thought is part of what's made my relationship with DeAnna so rocky, part of why I'm so closed in... I feel like if someone gets too close, things explode.

I have a lot of things like that in my mind. A lot of thoughts that I can't shake, things that have been hammered in so fully that I seriously can't find a way so far to pull them out of there. They aren't even interlinked... it's like two factions of a war, except they're fighting over exactly how and why I suck so much. I can see it all happening - one side says I'm a worthless sack of flesh because I fuck up so much, because I'm such a failure. The other side says it's because I'm a hypocrite, because I complain about my problems when, in reality, I can think of at least five people immediately who have things worse off than I do.

I know people are going to read this, too, and go "OH BRIAN U NEED HELPZORS" and all I can say is absofuckinglutely not. I've dealt with a fair share of psychiatrists, therapists, and psychologists in my life so far, and none of them helped me. Every time one of them got close to helping me, they'd get sick of me, or scared of something about me, and give me some bullshit reason like "I'm being a crutch" or "There's nothing wrong with you". The ones that don't do that, well, they throw drugs at me. Useless, pointless drugs. None of them have really helped me, and in order for any of them to help me, I'd have to be doped up like a vegetable in a mental ward. Is that what I really want? I... seriously don't think so.

Dammit. I just want to hide. To get away from reality. I can't get away. I can't run. Why the fuck can't I run? Other people have things they can do to calm them down, hobbies, interests... Everything I'm interested in either doesn't help these feelings in the slightest, or just pushes them back into my mind. Just -living- is bottling, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do to stop myself from just exploding regularly. I can't think, I can't breathe... I mean, fuck. EVERYTHING is pissing me off today, and it's been going on for the past three days... how the fuck am I supposed to stop it? I just want to punch a hole in the wall, see how bloody I can get my hand, or something... I want to vent all of my rage into a single punch, but then I punch something and it's obvious that I'm a fucking ninety-eight pound weakling and I can barely make a pillow move with my fucking pathetic upper body strength.

I have no idea why I'm rambling like this. It isn't helping. I seriously don't know what I'm supposed to do. I just can't really stop rambling, because if I stop, then I'll have to deal with my problems. The problems that are waiting oh so patiently down the hall in my mind, telling me that I don't have a choice but to get brutalized the instant I start actually thinking again instead of just reacting. It doesn't really help that part of me wants to blame DeAnna for why I'm so upset about not having a job - I have yet to break her of her smoking habit, despite her being more pregnant than she should be while still smoking, and she seems to get sick EVERY FUCKING WEEK. I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Even if I get a job, my money's going to all go to medical bills, cigarettes, and baby shit.

Now I am just seriously saying way too damn much, so I'm going to hit post before I push my foot further into my mouth.