angst event horizon

[swordianmaster]

(9:24:36 PM) swordianmaster: This entire house of cards is all but literally resting on my back.
(9:24:52 PM) swordianmaster: Without me in a job, we literally have nothing. No way to pay rent, no way to move out, no way of ANYTHING.
(9:25:31 PM) swordianmaster: DeAnna's completely given up on most jobs because anything minimum wage will get so neutered by state of Florida clamoring for child support that it won't even cover transportation costs.
(9:28:01 PM) swordianmaster: At the same time, what I have doesn't pay enough to get me the medication I need in order to keep mostly level, and I will openly admit that I have had suicidal thoughts recently - ones that have been stopped only by the same thing stopping me from quitting. The total lack of a safety net, the fact that MY LIFE IS NO LONGER MINE TO LIVE.

i fucking hate this
i fucking hate this
i fucking hate this
i fucking hate this

Moral of the story: It's not drugs or alcohol that make you "a puppet dangling on strings" like those commercials suggest.

From the moment you are born until the moment you die, you will forever be manipulated by forces more powerful, more wealthy, more popular than you. In school, in your childhood clique of friends, once you get a job, once you raise a family.

There will always be some fucker holding a gun to your head, ready to fuck you over five ways to Thursday the instant you're no longer willing to dance for them. ALWAYS.

Comments

[aceofshrubs.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

Hey man.

Call a suicide help line or something, please. Not because I think you're about to put a gun to your head- but because you and your family really need some help and that's a place to start. Respite care for the father might help too, but I don't know details on that situation.

No one should feel like their life is that pinned down.

And if you want to just rant at some one I'm told I'm a good listener :)

*HUGS AGAIN*

[swordianmaster.livejournal.com]

He's in a nursing home at the moment. All that does is moves him; now he constantly harasses us with calls and whines that DeAnna isn't at his side 25 hours a day and that he doesn't have cigarettes.

And sadly, I know how shit works in the world - a suicide help line isn't going to help financially in any way short of getting me locked in an institution, and to be honest, that is the LAST place I want to go. If I end up in such a situation, I probably WOULD commit suicide, as living as a drugged-up zombie in a padded test chamber is worse than death as it is.

[sethimothy.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Do you use messenger or telephone?

[swordianmaster.livejournal.com]

I'm usually on AIM except when I'm not. Bahamut725, and if you need to know if I'm on, Bea can usually tell you.