(no subject)

I am getting really sick and tired of life not getting better.

People wonder why I'm such a misanthrope, and I point at my life. At DeAnna, who continues to give, and give, and be friendly and personable to everyone she meets, even though she's continually stomped into the ground or screwed over, at her dad who tries to be the same way but whines left and right about the rest of the world being "bullshit", expecting someone to have an answer or a solution.

I wish I could just take this job and tell them where to shove it. When knowing I have to go IN to work puts me in a terrible mood the entire rest of the day? It's not worth it. Except we have no other way of paying rent. fucking son of a goatlicking douchenozzle I am so fucking sick of this.

And I need to rant. If I don't rant about this on my journal, I'll keep bottling it. And I'm bottling bad enough as it is.

also, obligatory icon post.

angst event horizon

(9:24:36 PM) swordianmaster: This entire house of cards is all but literally resting on my back.
(9:24:52 PM) swordianmaster: Without me in a job, we literally have nothing. No way to pay rent, no way to move out, no way of ANYTHING.
(9:25:31 PM) swordianmaster: DeAnna's completely given up on most jobs because anything minimum wage will get so neutered by state of Florida clamoring for child support that it won't even cover transportation costs.
(9:28:01 PM) swordianmaster: At the same time, what I have doesn't pay enough to get me the medication I need in order to keep mostly level, and I will openly admit that I have had suicidal thoughts recently - ones that have been stopped only by the same thing stopping me from quitting. The total lack of a safety net, the fact that MY LIFE IS NO LONGER MINE TO LIVE.

i fucking hate this
i fucking hate this
i fucking hate this
i fucking hate this

Moral of the story: It's not drugs or alcohol that make you "a puppet dangling on strings" like those commercials suggest.

From the moment you are born until the moment you die, you will forever be manipulated by forces more powerful, more wealthy, more popular than you. In school, in your childhood clique of friends, once you get a job, once you raise a family.

There will always be some fucker holding a gun to your head, ready to fuck you over five ways to Thursday the instant you're no longer willing to dance for them. ALWAYS.