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Well, this is it.
I'm writing this now because of insane insomnia (I have work in 5 hours, but due to not pr0n-induced mental stress/possible nightmares, I can't get myself to settle down.
But as I was saying, this is it. Everything's been ironed out with friends, family, and job. The tickets have been bought. Assuming nothing goes awry, I will be leaving California - as in moving out of the state - for the first time in my life on April 9th of this year.
And I, naturally, am scared shitless. It's not so much that I'm afraid Dallas won't work - I -like- the area, save for the shitty weather and the entire downtown area (PROTIP: Never get stranded in "downtown" ANYWHERE).. It's more that, well, I've never -functioned- on my own. I've always been a needy, codependant little mama's boy who seriously never expected to need to learn how to fend for himself.
If high school taught me anything, it's that if you leave your defenses open for a second, both people and circumstance alike will bend you over and rape you sideways up the arse. Except this is, in some fashion, different. This isn't kids taunting and harrassing me any more, this isn't the possibility of me getting kicked out of school for lashing out. No, this is 'will I be able to manage finances?' I can hardly hold $5 without it burning a hole in my pocket as it -stands-. 'Will I find anyone that I can just -vent- my less proper emotions on?' Inanimate objects are fine for anger, and friends are fine for stress, but as it stands, it seems like everyone I know close enough - both in Dallas and out of - has a significant other or - due to sexuality, personal life, or whatever - has absolutely no interest in me as more than a buddy.
I'm 21, still a virgin, and get my jollies on a damn TS MUCK, for godssake.
'Will there be any job I can keep?' This is actually a big one. The main driving reason I kept the shitty, 20-hour-or-less-a-week at barely-above-minimum-wage job I had with the city was because, well, I know that sometimes, I just let my anger get the better of me. It's already cost me one job, and despite how much I may or may not have changed, I have NOT changed enough for it to not still be a potential ongoing threat to future jobs.
'What happens if something tragic happens to me, or, for that matter, to my mother while I'm away?' This is surprisingly bold in my mind, as well. If something were to happen to me - well, I think I could handle it better in Dallas than I would here in California -![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mutt12 would be far more capable of propagating word of anything bad to my closest friends than anyone here would. But, well, if something happens to my mom after I move... I don't know. Deep down, I know I'd blame myself for it.
I don't know. I think I just needed to ramble in a sleep-deprived manner. Now that I've gotten my thoughts out, I have no way to close this. So, erm... don't delve into not pr0n if you value your very sanity. It will break your brain.
I'm writing this now because of insane insomnia (I have work in 5 hours, but due to not pr0n-induced mental stress/possible nightmares, I can't get myself to settle down.
But as I was saying, this is it. Everything's been ironed out with friends, family, and job. The tickets have been bought. Assuming nothing goes awry, I will be leaving California - as in moving out of the state - for the first time in my life on April 9th of this year.
And I, naturally, am scared shitless. It's not so much that I'm afraid Dallas won't work - I -like- the area, save for the shitty weather and the entire downtown area (PROTIP: Never get stranded in "downtown" ANYWHERE).. It's more that, well, I've never -functioned- on my own. I've always been a needy, codependant little mama's boy who seriously never expected to need to learn how to fend for himself.
If high school taught me anything, it's that if you leave your defenses open for a second, both people and circumstance alike will bend you over and rape you sideways up the arse. Except this is, in some fashion, different. This isn't kids taunting and harrassing me any more, this isn't the possibility of me getting kicked out of school for lashing out. No, this is 'will I be able to manage finances?' I can hardly hold $5 without it burning a hole in my pocket as it -stands-. 'Will I find anyone that I can just -vent- my less proper emotions on?' Inanimate objects are fine for anger, and friends are fine for stress, but as it stands, it seems like everyone I know close enough - both in Dallas and out of - has a significant other or - due to sexuality, personal life, or whatever - has absolutely no interest in me as more than a buddy.
I'm 21, still a virgin, and get my jollies on a damn TS MUCK, for godssake.
'Will there be any job I can keep?' This is actually a big one. The main driving reason I kept the shitty, 20-hour-or-less-a-week at barely-above-minimum-wage job I had with the city was because, well, I know that sometimes, I just let my anger get the better of me. It's already cost me one job, and despite how much I may or may not have changed, I have NOT changed enough for it to not still be a potential ongoing threat to future jobs.
'What happens if something tragic happens to me, or, for that matter, to my mother while I'm away?' This is surprisingly bold in my mind, as well. If something were to happen to me - well, I think I could handle it better in Dallas than I would here in California -
mutt12 would be far more capable of propagating word of anything bad to my closest friends than anyone here would. But, well, if something happens to my mom after I move... I don't know. Deep down, I know I'd blame myself for it.I don't know. I think I just needed to ramble in a sleep-deprived manner. Now that I've gotten my thoughts out, I have no way to close this. So, erm... don't delve into not pr0n if you value your very sanity. It will break your brain.
