swordianmaster | Entries tagged with my world is pain

father in law is getting increasingly abusive, his addiction to painkillers is getting further and further out of control, and it may hit the point where we have to tell him to go fuck himself, even though he's pretty much the only reason we can still get bills paid

so, uh
hooray potential homelessness

But, oh hey! Let's look at the bright side! I have an interview Friday! For a full-time job that would pretty much systematically ruin the rest of my free time, make it so that I pretty much never see my daughter again (It's 3 PM-Midnight, and my daughter doesn't get home from school until about 3:15p)... and did I mention it was full-time when even a 20 hour job was enough to make me explosively violent and ruin any sort of connections I have with any of my friends, as well as enough to give me suicidal tendencies?

Current Mood: gloomy
Crossposts: http://swordianmaster.livejournal.com/96086.html

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people whose opinions i sincerely care about: 5, maybe 6
number of those people who are offline relationships: 2
number of people who will see my blog posts without me blatantly linking them: 1 if i'm disgustingly lucky

number of friends/contacts on LJ/DW: 9 on DW, 72 on LJ
number of those friends who i trust and feel i can talk to at any time: 2

so frustrate.

Crossposts: http://swordianmaster.livejournal.com/95284.html

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FIRST HEART ATTACK OF THE NEW COMPUTER:

SPONTANEOUS LOCKING UP.

Don't know why this is! Was it because I tried to install Avast? Was it because, as some weird on a message board somewhere speculated, the computer has an ISSUE with being hooked up to the power cord and the battery at the same time? Was it because it overheated? DID I GET A LEMON COMPUTER?

I DON'T FUCKING KNOW AHDHDSHASAKDFGDEKDFG.

whyyyyyy. why does this shit keep happeniiiiing

It seems to be behaving again, but forever in the back of my mind I'm gonna ask myself: FOR HOW LONG.

Current Mood: fgrsgfxhybfhdsgbn
Crossposts: http://swordianmaster.livejournal.com/94508.html

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"There's plenty of ways for life to screw you over there, too."

hahahahahahaha FUCK YOU,

baxil.

( my world is pain )
Disclaimer: I am not mad at you for realsies, Bax. But aaaaaaaauuuuuuggghhh my life.

Current Mood: all the fml
Crossposts: http://swordianmaster.livejournal.com/94007.html

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(If anyone wants the proper status update, it's here.)

Once upon a time, there was an artist.

He wasn't a famous artist, or even successful. Some people claimed to enjoy his work, but there was no chance he would be remembered past his own generation. That didn't much matter, as he was content doing something he loved, and was on his way to being truly happy.

Then, one day, vandals came and ruined his art, his canvases, and his tools. He lost it all.

"A minor problem," he said to himself after his temper had subsided. "I can start anew. After all, the creation is the part I enjoy the most."

He continued for a time... and then a tragic fire took his studio, as well as the use of his hands, which had been mangled beyond repair as he tried to escape with his life.

He was visibly shaken, and admitted to a clinic by those who loved him. Eventually, he started to recover. "After all, I have people who love me dearly; they provide me inspiration." He continued to work, improvising to make up for his shortcomings. All was well for a brief time.

Soon, however, came the debtors. Unable to pay, they took instead his tongue and one leg. Those who tried to help were pushed away... but not before they, too, had their money taken.

Knowing that those that cared for him loved to see his smile, he could not give in to despair, no matter how much he desired to. He could hardly speak, however, and watched as more and more of his friends became unable to cope with the bleakness of his situation. He could communicate, out of sheer desperation, but it was incredibly painful and simply made the losses more obvious to all.

One day, the man stared in the mirror and thought, "I apologize for the sins of all of the world, as I have clearly been sentenced to Hell."

The mirror gave no reply.

Crossposts: http://swordianmaster.livejournal.com/93469.html

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on the road again, victory road is a giant pain in the ass~
( Nuzlocke fales )

Current Mood: fail
Crossposts: http://swordianmaster.livejournal.com/91975.html

Tags:

(5:37:22 PM)

swordianmaster: 23 muscle relaxers in 7 days.
(5:37:39 PM)

swordianmaster: And he says he doesn't overmedicate.
(5:37:40 PM)

bossgoji: O_O
(5:37:45 PM)

bossgoji: Jesus christ!
(5:37:49 PM)

swordianmaster: Yeeeah.
(5:38:04 PM)

swordianmaster: He's gone through three weeks worth of meds in one week.
(5:38:24 PM)

swordianmaster: More than, actually.
(5:38:35 PM)

bossgoji: Sigh.
(5:38:54 PM)

swordianmaster: Leading to moments like this, where he SOUNDS lucid, but he's barely able to keep himself upright and seems to have flashed back to about a year ago,
(5:39:11 PM)

bossgoji: Yeeeeeeeeeeeesh.
(5:39:16 PM)

swordianmaster: WELCOME TO MY LIFE :D

EDIT:
(6:05:04 PM)

swordianmaster: hahahaha and in trying to defend DeAnna, I hear exactly what I've been expecting to hear.
(6:05:14 PM)

swordianmaster: I don't contribute anything to this house, so shut the fuck up. :D
(6:05:28 PM)

swordianmaster: And then I get yelled at for not keeping my mouth shut.
(6:05:41 PM)

bossgoji: =(
(6:06:40 PM)

swordianmaster: And now he's stumbling around, wondering where the truck is.
(6:07:08 PM)

swordianmaster: I don't know if I've mentioned to you? But the entire time since I've been in Texas we have been completely without motorized transportation. That is at LEAST a year and a half.

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Copypastaing AIM log. I'm not going to write this again.

(8:50:59 PM) Bahamut725: Let me paint you the scenario. We have very little food - we're down to ramen, pretty much, and that's -it- - and DeAnna's check, clearing at midnight... is exactly enough to keep our bills paid. Verizon wants $213, we're getting $215 because of whatever state milking her for child support.
(8:51:45 PM) Bahamut725: I get woken up, five minutes ago, to DeAnna arguing with her father because "I'm hungry. I need cigarettes. And Pepsi."
(8:51:50 PM) Bahamut725: Like a petulant five year old.
(8:52:20 PM) Bahamut725: Getting whiny and pissy because we weren't able to go to a PAWN SHOP today to try to get money. With things we don;t have available to pawn. On a Sunday, when pawn shops are closed.
(8:53:09 PM)

bossgoji: (because clearly, throwing away your actual worthwhile possessions to get cigarettes is a smart decision)
(8:53:10 PM) Bahamut725: And I know the minute that DeAnna gets her paycheck, she is going to let this man walk all over her, because she thinks a corporation will be more lenient and understanding than him.
(8:54:04 PM) Bahamut725: In his world?
(8:54:15 PM) Bahamut725: Cigarettes > his needs > everything else in existance
(8:54:32 PM)

bossgoji: Such is the way of an addict.
(8:54:41 PM) Bahamut725: If we had to murder someone, or rob a bank? His reply would be "about fuckin' time".
(8:55:10 PM)

bossgoji: Nothing really matters to them except their next fix, honestly. I've seen it way too often, so believe me, sympathy is there.
(8:55:38 PM) Bahamut725: He's an addict who is currently OUR SOURCE OF INCOME, though.
(8:55:50 PM) Bahamut725: So any intervention is going to invariably shoot us in the foot.
(8:56:06 PM) Bahamut725: (As opposed to the more longterm of the foot slowly rotting off and dying.)

Long story short: we have no food, barely enough money to get food IF we manage to somehow beg Verizon for every bit of lenience they can give - hahahahahhahah funny joke - and my father-in-law is begging us to throw shit away on cigarettes and Pepsi.

only reason i haven't started shooting people is because i don't have a gun, jfc.

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Well, we've been lent a laptop from Ariana's godmother Amy, but she 1) needs it for school eventually and 2) it's crasheriffic - freezes when browsing are frequent, albeit temporary.

It's better than nothing, but it's only a temporary stopgap measure, so I'm not going to say no if help is being offered, as has been in the previous thread.

In all seriousness, it stuns me how many genuinely good people there are out on the internet, especially considering how atrocious the everyday offline joe is. I honestly expected a bunch of "sorry, can't help you", but what I got was sincere attempts to help - while I may or may not be able to use what is offered, depending on what you guys have, the fact that you're willing to OFFER in the first place is just... well, awe-inspiring.

I love all of you. Even the ones that haven't said anything, or haven't had a chance to, yet.

Current Mood: touched

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it all started with a crc error on a torrent I was running.

Things snowballed, as they tend to on computers, and now it appears that my hard-drive is completely, irreversibly, 100% fubar'd. There might be more wrong. I don't know. It's a six-year-old computer, and I can't afford to get any replacement... well... anything.

I'm typing this from a public library computer; a computer which will only allow me one hour of usage per day. But at the same time, I don't know what else to do. Part of this is to let people know that I'm not going to be around for obvious reasons (my LJ RP hiatus notices will point here), and part of this is to do... well, the only thing I'm good at any more. Whining about how life keeps shitting on me, and begging for a reprieve somehow.

Money isn't going to help. Not really. Even if it did, I already pretty much exhausted what resources I have online to keep my net/phone/tv bill from defaulting.

I have... I would assume no credit, just because if I don't have NO credit, I'm sure to have NEGATIVE - the bills are in my name, after all, I have unpaid medical bills that went to creditors, and Paypal defaulted me on an $80 I can't pay or dispute.

I really have no way of getting out of this situation. If anyone can lend a hand with a computer of some sort, please... please, let me know.

Out of respect for my family, I'm gonna put any contact information under a F-Lock in the next post; if you sincerely are able to help, either reply here (so I can contact you when I am able) or ask one of my friends for help (I know for a fact

bossgoji will at least be aware of this, and I'm sure there's others)

I'm sorry I have to keep doing this. I wish I knew why everything was just piling on me in the last two years.

Current Mood: fuckin' fuck.

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i give up. i can't fucking take this shit any more. i can't take life just deciding it's AOK to pile MORE bullshit onto me.

just so everyone knows, chances are... pretty fucking good that I'm going to completely lose net access sometime Thursday. Dunno when I'll get it back.

So... sorry. To people who like me. Or depend on me ha ha ha ha what am I saying.

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quick bulleted list

finances are for the moment taken care of; clothes are washed, cats are fed, bills are... paid as best they can be.
the situation on DeAnna's dad continues to worry me; apparently the newest status that I've heard is "three blocked arteries" and as of yesterday he was in the ICU. Considering the precarious situation we're in, this is not Good Things.
Still not finding any jobs because I don't like associating with slime, I guess. How the fuck is 8 years experience "Entry Level", you lying sacks of shit? Fuck online job-search sites.

Doing the best I can to cope with frustration and feelings of powerlessness via LJRP, Picross 3D, and ponies.
just a little under 25 hours left, fff.

Current Mood: tired

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And now I had to reinstall WinXP.

hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Thankfully, all of my data is intact, it's just... getting everything fit back into the programs after I reinstall them.

Current Mood: frustrated

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Disappear.

These tacos are an eyesore.

These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos. These tacos.

Current Mood: just a little homocidal

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You know that any day where I come home from work and the first words out of my mouth are "I want to find out where [my boss] lives, kill her, and set fire to the corpse" was a fantastic day.

This is what I get for asking other people for things. It's not even related, but karma noticed I just barely began to want anything for myself and RAPED ME UP THE ASS for it.

Current Mood: homocidal

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There is little out there that is more depressing than having to work on Christmas.

Except for the fact that, even with that time that I'm getting paid time and a half, I may still end up, due to stress making me leave work early or be sent home several days this paycheck, not having enough to make rent this next week.

And the fact that everyone in my family is too poor to get holiday gifts for me, and as of such the only thing I obtained is Traffic. Anyone who knows me well enough knows WHY this is a terrible gift, and why the person giving it - who knows FULL WELL my stance on movies and bought it anyway - should be ashamed if they really DID think this was something I'd enjoy.

Fuck the holidays. Hope everyone else's Christmas is better than mine.

Current Mood: stressed

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I ask why (but in my mind I find) I can’t rely on myself

..ehehehahahahahah. You know you've hit one of your low points, emotionally, when you start finding lyrics from songs on Hybrid Theory to be more "appropriate" than "cathartic".

Yes, that means that my Angsty Spot is in the forefront of my mind. Fucking hell. Things are getting better, why the hell can't I get out of this job!?

Current Mood: CHEER UP, EMO KID

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PROTIP: In order to get Sword to blow a bunch of money on something you want, here are the steps.

1) Make sure he has enough money to purchase what you want without severe hardship. "We will have to eat bologna sandwiches for the next month" is acceptable, "we will not have enough to pay rent" is not.

2) Get him frustrated AND depressed. Christmas shopping at Wal-Mart post-Thanksgiving is a good way to do this.

3) Make sure what you want is something one of you could justify as something HE would want as well. This is particularly effective if you're asking for a game when he just got done bitching about how the last game he played was too goddamn short.

Long story short, I am now be-Wii'd again. FC will be posted in the event that I actually /can/ connect to WFC. (Given that I can't connect with the DS, I suspect I would not be able to with the Wii, either)

EDIT: Due to a friend worrying about it, I want to just assure the rest of you guys -

(8:24:29 PM)

swordianmaster: I got a windfall to the tune of $2300 recently, and we're in a situation as far as getting a new place that it's just a matter of waiting now
(8:31:30 PM)

swordianmaster: My biggest problem now that I have the money to pay for the doctor to get my prozac prescrips?
(8:31:34 PM)

swordianmaster: Is FINDING a doctor to do it :B
(8:31:56 PM)

swordianmaster: Since I'm in a situation where I don't have a primary care physician

Current Mood: $400 poorer

Tags:

my world is pain

i'm stuck in a job that makes me nigh suicidal, just to support a daughter that doesn't even listen to a thing i say. helping me raise that daughter is a woman i love who seems to not think i can do anything right, who is currently taking care of her own father who is such an unrelenting douchebag that he seems to care more about money and cigarettes than his own family, and yet she insists we visit him for the holiday, one that i have stated quite clearly i hate to begin with.

we're in a hovel of a single hotel room, one that is infested both with a swarm of houseflies and various sorts of other insect, and every day is practically an unending fight against them.

i don't even have my health - i've been coughing my lungs up for the past two weeks, my nose is running like a kenyan, and i'm not looking to get better any time soon due to the squalid conditions we're in and the high level of stress around me at all times. a lot of the things i used to find joy in are just further sources of stress, and, hey, guess what? everyone has worse problems than me so i can't even talk to anybody about anything because at least my problems are stable as opposed to me suddenly dying or bursting into flames.

oh, and i'm about three hundred miles from any of my family. yes, that was a conscious choice, but it's still something that has an effect.

i don't have a single. goddamn. thing. to be thankful for. go to hell, thanksgiving.

Current Mood: frustrated

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First order of business: I am sick. Like, pass out standing up, constantly in the bathroom, vomit my eyeballs out sick. I have called work and my assistant manager has said he will try to work things out, but I just get this feeling in my gut there is nothing I can do.

And so I am going to get chewed out by the General Manager.

For being sick.

Fuck you, Marbella.

Secondly: SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME

WHO IN THEIR RIGHT FUCKING MIND THINKS THAT THE BEST WAY TO PREPARE A TACO IS TO DEEP-FRY THAT SONOFABITCH?

Seriously, to this DAY I don't understand it, and I now have a heat blister on my thumb to prove how little I understand it.

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i am a sord lol

in short, fuck my life

(no subject)

WELP

Yeeeep, today's Friday the 13th.

cool story bro

Pokemon White Nuzlocke Pt 9 Notes

(no subject)

what did i do to deserve this shit, seriously

status update

cyclic redundancy check, komm, süsser tod

whoever put the curse on me, i'm sorry

(no subject)

fml fml fml

SEVENTEEN PIECES OF SOY-PROTEIN MEAT

tomanai tomanai tomanai/tsumetai tsumetai tsumetai/kurushii kurushii kurushii/boku wa machigattenai

(no subject)

I can’t hold on (to what I want when I’m stretched so thin)

Public service announcement

turkeys

(no subject)

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