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I admit I've spent more of my time either panicking about finances lately or lost in bullshit phone game grinding, as opposed to playing games that are more than casual Sisyphean tasks, but this month has not been a great one for games, either. It's not for lack of trying, either - much more for too much trying. Maybe my reflexes aren't as good as they used to be, or maybe there's just a slant towards modern indie games being fucking bullshit mcgee. I don't know. Anyway, a rundown of the shit I've spent this month failing to clear.
JUMPJET REX
Everything about this game implied it would be a low-impact, casual platformer where I wouldn't have to worry about optimal movement and laser grids and things like that.
Too bad, Jumpjet Rex is essentially a speedrunner's game.
I keep wanting to compare it to Super Meat Boy, but I am absolutely certain it's nowhere near as brutal as SMB. Regardless, it's that same type of mobility-focused platformer where the idea is to rush through levels as seamlessly and quickly as possible as opposed to taking your time and taking in the world around you.
I could go back to this one, sometime. I just got pushed away by how different my expectations were from the game's reality. Nothing about it was inherently bad, it just wasn't what I was ready for.
WESTERADO: DOUBLE BARRELED
This is the most intricate gun-firing simulator I've ever pixeled. It tries to be 2D like Mario and 2D like Zelda all at once - you can only fire left and right, but you explore in a top-down overworld. In order to fire your gun, you have to ready it, then cock it, then fire. Then, if you need to fire again, you cock again, then fire.
This game has too much cock. There, I said it.
Really, there's not much wrong with this one either, it just didn't hold me. I think I tapped out at the 80% mark just because I couldn't get myself to focus on clearing it? Which is kind of a bad thing for a game to boast.
XEODRIFTER
Whoooooa nelly. I have... I have some issues with this one, this is where the salt is.
See, Xeodrifter decides to evoke the feel of the original NES Metroid. Anyone who knows me knows that those words aren't a compliment.
The game tells you nothing aside from telling you new ability commands. Exploration is linear but unrestrained, meaning a lot of time wandering blindly wondering where the fuck you're supposed to go. Your only save spot is on your ship, which can be a problem to get to halfway through a labyrinth, and the only temporary checkpoints you have are immediately before and after bosses. Health refills are only right before bosses, or hidden away in alcoves like wall meat.
Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "bosses"? I meant boss. There is one singular boss that you fight in every single boss room, with increasingly more bullshit attacks that you have no way of properly dealing with. Mercy invincibility is almost nonexistent. Health upgrades are rare and as squirreled away as any Metroid game. Your only weapon upgrades are incremental boosts. It's a pain and a half to aim upwards, which can be a problem in a game like this where you have a giant fucking dinosaur bouncing around a boss room like a fucking pinball.
Xeodrifter tried. Xeodrifter did not succeed. Xeodrifter is a very colorful, chiptuney way to waste $10 and get angry at a game.
Ugh. I think I need to play some Lego games.
JUMPJET REX
Everything about this game implied it would be a low-impact, casual platformer where I wouldn't have to worry about optimal movement and laser grids and things like that.
Too bad, Jumpjet Rex is essentially a speedrunner's game.
I keep wanting to compare it to Super Meat Boy, but I am absolutely certain it's nowhere near as brutal as SMB. Regardless, it's that same type of mobility-focused platformer where the idea is to rush through levels as seamlessly and quickly as possible as opposed to taking your time and taking in the world around you.
I could go back to this one, sometime. I just got pushed away by how different my expectations were from the game's reality. Nothing about it was inherently bad, it just wasn't what I was ready for.
WESTERADO: DOUBLE BARRELED
This is the most intricate gun-firing simulator I've ever pixeled. It tries to be 2D like Mario and 2D like Zelda all at once - you can only fire left and right, but you explore in a top-down overworld. In order to fire your gun, you have to ready it, then cock it, then fire. Then, if you need to fire again, you cock again, then fire.
This game has too much cock. There, I said it.
Really, there's not much wrong with this one either, it just didn't hold me. I think I tapped out at the 80% mark just because I couldn't get myself to focus on clearing it? Which is kind of a bad thing for a game to boast.
XEODRIFTER
Whoooooa nelly. I have... I have some issues with this one, this is where the salt is.
See, Xeodrifter decides to evoke the feel of the original NES Metroid. Anyone who knows me knows that those words aren't a compliment.
The game tells you nothing aside from telling you new ability commands. Exploration is linear but unrestrained, meaning a lot of time wandering blindly wondering where the fuck you're supposed to go. Your only save spot is on your ship, which can be a problem to get to halfway through a labyrinth, and the only temporary checkpoints you have are immediately before and after bosses. Health refills are only right before bosses, or hidden away in alcoves like wall meat.
Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "bosses"? I meant boss. There is one singular boss that you fight in every single boss room, with increasingly more bullshit attacks that you have no way of properly dealing with. Mercy invincibility is almost nonexistent. Health upgrades are rare and as squirreled away as any Metroid game. Your only weapon upgrades are incremental boosts. It's a pain and a half to aim upwards, which can be a problem in a game like this where you have a giant fucking dinosaur bouncing around a boss room like a fucking pinball.
Xeodrifter tried. Xeodrifter did not succeed. Xeodrifter is a very colorful, chiptuney way to waste $10 and get angry at a game.
Ugh. I think I need to play some Lego games.