Welp.

DeAnna and Amy just left for Austin, to audition for X-Factor. (Rather, Amy is auditioning, DeAnna is moral support). This has me worried for several reasons.

One, they're basically grazing a tornado; we're getting the southern bands here, and it's not gonna clear up before they reach Austin.

Two, even if everything goes without a hitch, they'll be gone until late Thursday/early Friday.

For the rest of the week, I am the sole person taking care of my daughter and keeping an eye on my father-in-law.

I am scared shitless.

EDIT: Just to clear things up, as comments were already made:
(9:40:40 PM) bahamut725: I'm not holding this against DeAnna
(9:41:12 PM) bahamut725: if one of my friends had basically nobody else believing they could make anything of themselves
(9:41:17 PM) bahamut725: I'd be there for them no matter what, too
(9:41:22 PM) bahamut725: and this was discussed. At length.
(9:41:37 PM) bahamut725: Doesn't make the reality of it any less terrifying.
swordianmaster: (fjsal)
( Dec. 16th, 2011 08:05 pm)
(8:01:03 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: oh my god, I have diabetes now.
(8:01:22 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: Ariana got a FiM coloring book from her classmates for christmas, right?
(8:01:36 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: She brought me a picture of Rarity and said "daddy, this pony has the talent of pretty. :D"

fhgbrshfbgh THE CUTENESS IS A DEFENSE MECHANISM SO YOU DON'T KILL THEM. Augh.
i give up. i can't fucking take this shit any more. i can't take life just deciding it's AOK to pile MORE bullshit onto me.

just so everyone knows, chances are... pretty fucking good that I'm going to completely lose net access sometime Thursday. Dunno when I'll get it back.

So... sorry. To people who like me. Or depend on me ha ha ha ha what am I saying.
(7:12:24 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: I feel like everything's falling apart. Again.
(7:13:28 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: I'm still unemployed, my father-in-law - who, through the fact he gets SSI and the fact that DeAnna is on payroll as HIS CARETAKER, is our only source of income - is in the hospital getting abnormal CAT readings and with blood being found in his stomach
(7:13:59 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: Even WITH the money we're bringing in, it's going to be a small miracle if we can manage to pay electric and phone bills both this month
(7:14:44 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: We're gonna run out of food stamp money about two weeks before we get more - AS USUAL, we haven't had the chance to do laundry for over a month
(7:14:50 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: The cats have no fresh litter, no food - we've been feeding them bargain bin luncheon meat
(7:15:07 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: DeAnna's to the point where HER addiction is starting to put a strain on everything...
(7:15:21 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: Things were supposed to get better.
(7:15:23 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: This is not better.
(7:15:50 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: And I can't help but feel like the world is trying to pile the guilt onto me because I don't have any way of making money.
(7:16:20 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: What am I supposed to do? Resort to theft? Start killing people? Whoring myself out? (Hah, as if /that/ would work)
(7:16:54 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: I'm already basically a goddamn drug runner, enabling my fath-in-law to sell off his prescription meds just so we can GET BY.
(7:18:02 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: And the worst part is, /I'm/ not even the one getting the worst of the pressure, meaning I get to just sit and uselessly watch as this basically makes DeAnna fall apart.

(7:19:42 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: if we had any sort of safety net here i'd suggest that [[livejournal.com profile] bossgoji] come over this way should things go wrong with DeAnna's dad
(7:19:43 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: but
(7:19:45 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: we don't
(7:19:51 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: meaning if his body gives up on him
(7:19:59 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: that's it
(7:20:01 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: there's nothing else
(7:20:09 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: nothing to fall back on
(7:21:59 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: I just wish I knew what to do.
(7:22:13 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: It's real easy to say "you need to get a job", but... even if I did look harder than I have been
(7:22:19 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: Even if I got a job tomorrow
(7:22:40 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: bills are due in exactly one week, I don't know exactly how much we have that we're able to pay
(7:22:46 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: we may not have ANY money at ALL

(7:27:23 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: All the bridges are burned anyway. Both me and DeAnna have frozen paypal accounts because we owe them individually at least $100 each
(7:27:47 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: the reason we may not have ANY money is because both of us are individually in debt to Chase at least that much
(7:28:01 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: To say nothing of the child support that keeps getting leeched from DeAnna
fourteen loads of laundry

thirty five dollars worth of washer/dryer cash

and we still have at LEAST four loads until we're done - at $2.50 a load ($1.25 per wash and dry) that's another ten dollars, plus the cost of washing whatever we've worn until we can get that money.

Holy SHIT we have too many clothes. Fuck.
Well, we're moved in, the cable/internet/phone is installed, and things are looking better slowly but surely.

The bad news:
  • The AC here is shit. ughhhh so sweat. Fuck you, Texas, fuck you HARD.
  • A few things either couldn't come with us (hotel property, hurr) or we simply didn't need to have due to our cramped living space, things like desks (for the computer), phone cords (hrrrr) and chairs.
  • MY DAUGHTER HAS ENOUGH TOYS TO FILL THIS ENTIRE FUCKING APARTMENT. We are going to need to sort through what she has and get rid of a lot of it. Goodwill should be happy.
  • We have approximately seven ten gallon garbage bags full of dirty laundry, and until DeAnna's paycheck comes in, we may or may not have the spare income to use the on-site laundromat. Hurf durf herpety derp.


But... hey! Baby steps forward and all that.
swordianmaster: (TACOOOOS)
( Apr. 23rd, 2011 12:33 pm)
people = shit

even taking sturgeon's corollary into account - that the remaining 10% is worth dying for - if you ever have to rely on the 90% of humanity to do anything what the fuck is wrong with you if you expect it not to end in bloody, dismal failure.

explanation will come later after sleep if I feel like it.
While discussing Nier with Xyzzy:

(6:44:29 AM) [livejournal.com profile] xyzzysqrl: Seriously on a good day you can equip Magic Words and turn on the rotating blade forcefield and sprint through the middle of the ... Pridelands or whatever the hell is right outside the village, and you'd just meatgrinder everything.
(6:44:58 AM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: Pridelands.
(6:45:09 AM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: man The Lion King would be a lot different if it had Shades and Yonah.
(6:45:13 AM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: ...And was made by Cavia.
(6:45:26 AM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: If it was made by Cavia, Simba SO would have gotten eaten by hyenas.
(6:45:50 AM) [livejournal.com profile] xyzzysqrl: Timon would have solo'd the last 3/4ths of the story and then curled up to die.
(6:46:29 AM) [livejournal.com profile] xyzzysqrl: ...okay now I'm picturing Nala as Kaine and it's unexpectedly kind of weirdly hot.
(6:46:37 AM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: ....Nono, see
(6:46:43 AM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: You're looking at this from post-timeskip
(6:46:46 AM) [livejournal.com profile] xyzzysqrl: What is WRONG with my sex drive. *rattled*
(6:46:50 AM) [livejournal.com profile] xyzzysqrl: ...Oh, right.
(6:46:53 AM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: Nala and Simba were both children.
(6:46:57 AM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: In turn they are not Nier and Kaine
(6:47:04 AM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: they are Manah and Seere.
(6:47:13 AM) [livejournal.com profile] xyzzysqrl: ...
(6:47:20 AM) [livejournal.com profile] xyzzysqrl: A HYENA THAT CRUSHES LIKE A MACE! *glee face*
(6:47:40 AM) [livejournal.com profile] xyzzysqrl: Or I guess it would be an elephant or someth WHY AM I THINKING OF THIS.
(6:48:30 AM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: and then Nala would go splut and suddenly giant Wall-Es would descend from the heavens.
(6:48:57 AM) [livejournal.com profile] xyzzysqrl: ...now I'm thinking, like... Simba as Emil. Forced to wear the skeletal remains from that place the sun doesn't shine.
(6:49:26 AM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: ...And the wording of that makes me think of him pulling his skeleton OUT OF HIS RECTUM.
(6:49:26 AM) [livejournal.com profile] xyzzysqrl: Except he'd look more like a Jack Skellington cosplay, and then suddenly it's Kingdom Hearts.
(6:49:55 AM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: As long as we can get some Pumbaa drifting in, the world is a happy place.
(6:50:55 AM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: This is so going on the LJ, I hope you note.

(6:52:06 AM) [livejournal.com profile] xyzzysqrl: Can I just say that I was trying to remember the -name- of the "Where the light doesn't touch" place and just mangled it, for the record?
(6:52:28 AM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: (elephant graveyard, IIRC)
(6:52:53 AM) [livejournal.com profile] xyzzysqrl: OH.
(6:53:13 AM) [livejournal.com profile] xyzzysqrl: ...okay then yeah it can go on the LJ. Which is -also- a place the sun doesn't shine lately, I wish to note.
(6:53:17 AM) [livejournal.com profile] xyzzysqrl: *draw smiley face on you*

My friends are nuts. They are made of win and awesome.
swordianmaster: (gfherghnrfgh)
( Nov. 25th, 2010 10:19 am)
i'm stuck in a job that makes me nigh suicidal, just to support a daughter that doesn't even listen to a thing i say. helping me raise that daughter is a woman i love who seems to not think i can do anything right, who is currently taking care of her own father who is such an unrelenting douchebag that he seems to care more about money and cigarettes than his own family, and yet she insists we visit him for the holiday, one that i have stated quite clearly i hate to begin with.

we're in a hovel of a single hotel room, one that is infested both with a swarm of houseflies and various sorts of other insect, and every day is practically an unending fight against them.

i don't even have my health - i've been coughing my lungs up for the past two weeks, my nose is running like a kenyan, and i'm not looking to get better any time soon due to the squalid conditions we're in and the high level of stress around me at all times. a lot of the things i used to find joy in are just further sources of stress, and, hey, guess what? everyone has worse problems than me so i can't even talk to anybody about anything because at least my problems are stable as opposed to me suddenly dying or bursting into flames.

oh, and i'm about three hundred miles from any of my family. yes, that was a conscious choice, but it's still something that has an effect.

i don't have a single. goddamn. thing. to be thankful for. go to hell, thanksgiving.
swordianmaster: (>8C)
( Jul. 20th, 2009 12:28 pm)
She's three.

I've gotta keep telling myself, she's only three years old. Throwing tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants is natural and just because punishing her for it is not having an effect NOW, it WILL.
I just.... sometimes you see things that CAN'T be unintentional.

And so that I have a reason for this post, POKEMON EGG UPDATE.



CLICK THEEMMMMM.

As for why mood icon is 'worried'? Daughter's come down with something. Running a fever, generally not feeling hot and crying up a storm... 8\
You know, a comment I read on [livejournal.com profile] errorist's journal made a little too much sense to me...

Simple. It's because society, especially in the west, elevates the notion of "self-sacrifice" much higher than that of "self-care". It is still considered sinful to love yourself, in most ways, after all. You're supposed to give "110%" for your team, your job, your coworkers, your family - and when does that leave you time for yourself?

[...]

And then, to top it all off, we're made to feel guilty about not taking care of ourselves. But not because we're being bad to ourselves, but because we're _costing other people time and money and safety_!


(Emphasis mine, full post with replies here)

DeAnna just walked by the bedroom, saw me on the computer, and just gave an exasperated sigh. Why? Because she was watching our daughter because I felt the need to go out to cool myself down. And yet here I was, on the computer, and lord knows it's not important that I called off from work so that she could get a little more rest than usual, it's not important that it's practically our daughter's bedtime, and let's just not mention that she's been acting like she feels a little better... I can't make the choice to write an entry on livejournal because I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE A REASON FOR HER TO WATCH OUR DAUGHTER. People keep getting upset when I say I need "me" time, when I say that I stay up till 6 AM because the middle of the night is really the only time I get to myself... The complaint I often get is that I take too much time for myself. Here's a little hint, world.

IF I HAVE TO SEE YOU, IF I HAVE TO HEAR YOUR VOICE, IF I AM DOING SOMETHING FOR YOUR SAKE, THAT TIME IS NOT MINE. IT IS YOURS BECAUSE YOU ARE DILUTING IT WITH YOUR PRESENCE.

This goes to everyone and everything. Friends and loved ones - particularly my daughter - are more allowed to have my time, but I still need some alone, you know? I feel like everyone in the world expects something of me, and if I blink for just one second because my eyes are dry, I'm in the wrong for being selfish.
swordianmaster: (Is it safe?)
( May. 8th, 2006 01:42 pm)
Well, it's kind of ironic, seeing as I'm at work, but this is really the only place were I have the presence of mind to update my journal, seeing as I'm here covering for the staff in the computer lab at Central Park. Once again, my schedule of "spaz out, don't update for a few months, infodump all in one post, spaz out" seems to be working superbly, as a lot has happened since I last made a serious post.

1) Ariana Denise Marie Porbansky. Yes, I now have a daughter. That alone is enough to drive me around the bend, especially since it feels like I can't do anything for myself any more - even think. I feel like I'm not allowed to -think-, and it's driving me crazy.
2) I also now have two jobs (paying jobs, for those of you who are all like HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR BUT BEEING A DADDY IS A JORB TO, BRIAN LOLZ - god damn retarded coworkers) to make ends meet: the job I had at the James L. Brulte Senior Center (occasionally referred to as 'Central Park', as that's the proper building name) setting up rooms and performing routine customer service, and a job at the Best Western here in Rancho Cucamonga, doing...well, the exact same thing. I set up rooms, keep things clean, smile and wave at folks as I pass them by. Really, the dual jobs isn't bothering me too bad (past the fact I never get a day off ever again)... I suppose it's one advantage of having absolutely nobrainer work. My only problems are office politics here at the center, really. Damn city government...
3) Due to these two facts, two things have occured: one, my reviewing at WorthPlaying has trickled down a bit since I seem to have NO FREE TIME EVER AGAIN, and two, I now have a DS and have been spending way more money than I should on games, of which I now have three - Tetris DS, Kirby Canvas Curse, and Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow. Love for all the games, particularly DoS. Rocket-propelled grenade launcher for the mothafuckin WIN. No other game system can claim it allows you to play as Dracula whilst blowing up zombies with fucking RPG rounds. ...Except for maybe some obscure-ass Quake mod, I dunno.

So, how's life? Life is... stressful. DeAnna's had complication after complication related to the pregnancy, delivery, her weight, and so forth, I feel like I have exactly no free time I can spend doing anything to vent, and I'm missing progressively more work to help DeAnna with our daughter.

Above all that, it's just getting more and more obvious how much I regret having to leave Texas - sure, the state itself was full of rednecks and asshole drivers, but at least I felt more free there. Here in California, I feel like I'm trapped into living with my mother, stuck in shitty jobs just to keep myself - and my family - sane, and don't really have anywhere to go in order to destress. I will admit that it has its advantages though - [livejournal.com profile] mutt12, my old roomie, had a tendency to... well, hyperspaz when things went awry.. I can only imagine what kind of wreck he would've been if we'd stayed with him, what with the repeated problems DeAnna's had - job or no job. My mom, at the very least, is very, very calm and rational about those things, and if it weren't for her, we'd probably have a couple thousand dollars EXTRA in hospital bills now. (Not counting the $5000 that I've racked up over the past two years. Aiyaaaa...)
Ariana Denise Marie Porbansky
4/26/06
02:07 a.m.
9 lbs. 3 oz.
18 inches


.....more details later. Sleep now. Nngh. Oigh.
.

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