i am a sord lol

(8:01:03 PM) swordianmaster: oh my god, I have diabetes now.
(8:01:22 PM) swordianmaster: Ariana got a FiM coloring book from her classmates for christmas, right?
(8:01:36 PM) swordianmaster: She brought me a picture of Rarity and said "daddy, this pony has the talent of pretty. :D"

fhgbrshfbgh THE CUTENESS IS A DEFENSE MECHANISM SO YOU DON'T KILL THEM. Augh.

(7:12:24 PM) swordianmaster: I feel like everything's falling apart. Again.
(7:13:28 PM) swordianmaster: I'm still unemployed, my father-in-law - who, through the fact he gets SSI and the fact that DeAnna is on payroll as HIS CARETAKER, is our only source of income - is in the hospital getting abnormal CAT readings and with blood being found in his stomach
(7:13:59 PM) swordianmaster: Even WITH the money we're bringing in, it's going to be a small miracle if we can manage to pay electric and phone bills both this month
(7:14:44 PM) swordianmaster: We're gonna run out of food stamp money about two weeks before we get more - AS USUAL, we haven't had the chance to do laundry for over a month
(7:14:50 PM) swordianmaster: The cats have no fresh litter, no food - we've been feeding them bargain bin luncheon meat
(7:15:07 PM) swordianmaster: DeAnna's to the point where HER addiction is starting to put a strain on everything...
(7:15:21 PM) swordianmaster: Things were supposed to get better.
(7:15:23 PM) swordianmaster: This is not better.
(7:15:50 PM) swordianmaster: And I can't help but feel like the world is trying to pile the guilt onto me because I don't have any way of making money.
(7:16:20 PM) swordianmaster: What am I supposed to do? Resort to theft? Start killing people? Whoring myself out? (Hah, as if /that/ would work)
(7:16:54 PM) swordianmaster: I'm already basically a goddamn drug runner, enabling my fath-in-law to sell off his prescription meds just so we can GET BY.
(7:18:02 PM) swordianmaster: And the worst part is, /I'm/ not even the one getting the worst of the pressure, meaning I get to just sit and uselessly watch as this basically makes DeAnna fall apart.

(7:19:42 PM) swordianmaster: if we had any sort of safety net here i'd suggest that [bossgoji] come over this way should things go wrong with DeAnna's dad
(7:19:43 PM) swordianmaster: but
(7:19:45 PM) swordianmaster: we don't
(7:19:51 PM) swordianmaster: meaning if his body gives up on him
(7:19:59 PM) swordianmaster: that's it
(7:20:01 PM) swordianmaster: there's nothing else
(7:20:09 PM) swordianmaster: nothing to fall back on
(7:21:59 PM) swordianmaster: I just wish I knew what to do.
(7:22:13 PM) swordianmaster: It's real easy to say "you need to get a job", but... even if I did look harder than I have been
(7:22:19 PM) swordianmaster: Even if I got a job tomorrow
(7:22:40 PM) swordianmaster: bills are due in exactly one week, I don't know exactly how much we have that we're able to pay
(7:22:46 PM) swordianmaster: we may not have ANY money at ALL

(7:27:23 PM) swordianmaster: All the bridges are burned anyway. Both me and DeAnna have frozen paypal accounts because we owe them individually at least $100 each
(7:27:47 PM) swordianmaster: the reason we may not have ANY money is because both of us are individually in debt to Chase at least that much
(7:28:01 PM) swordianmaster: To say nothing of the child support that keeps getting leeched from DeAnna

Well, we're moved in, the cable/internet/phone is installed, and things are looking better slowly but surely.

The bad news:

• The AC here is shit. ughhhh so sweat. Fuck you, Texas, fuck you HARD.
  
• A few things either couldn't come with us (hotel property, hurr) or we simply didn't need to have due to our cramped living space, things like desks (for the computer), phone cords (hrrrr) and chairs.
  
• MY DAUGHTER HAS ENOUGH TOYS TO FILL THIS ENTIRE FUCKING APARTMENT. We are going to need to sort through what she has and get rid of a lot of it. Goodwill should be happy.
  
• We have approximately seven ten gallon garbage bags full of dirty laundry, and until DeAnna's paycheck comes in, we may or may not have the spare income to use the on-site laundromat. Hurf durf herpety derp.

But... hey! Baby steps forward and all that.

While discussing Nier with Xyzzy:

(6:44:29 AM) xyzzysqrl: Seriously on a good day you can equip Magic Words and turn on the rotating blade forcefield and sprint through the middle of the ... Pridelands or whatever the hell is right outside the village, and you'd just meatgrinder everything.
(6:44:58 AM) swordianmaster: Pridelands.
(6:45:09 AM) swordianmaster: man The Lion King would be a lot different if it had Shades and Yonah.
(6:45:13 AM) swordianmaster: ...And was made by Cavia.
(6:45:26 AM) swordianmaster: If it was made by Cavia, Simba SO would have gotten eaten by hyenas.
(6:45:50 AM) xyzzysqrl: Timon would have solo'd the last 3/4ths of the story and then curled up to die.
(6:46:29 AM) xyzzysqrl: ...okay now I'm picturing Nala as Kaine and it's unexpectedly kind of weirdly hot.
(6:46:37 AM) swordianmaster: ....Nono, see
(6:46:43 AM) swordianmaster: You're looking at this from post-timeskip
(6:46:46 AM) xyzzysqrl: What is WRONG with my sex drive. *rattled*
(6:46:50 AM) xyzzysqrl: ...Oh, right.
(6:46:53 AM) swordianmaster: Nala and Simba were both children.
(6:46:57 AM) swordianmaster: In turn they are not Nier and Kaine
(6:47:04 AM) swordianmaster: they are Manah and Seere.
(6:47:13 AM) xyzzysqrl: ...
(6:47:20 AM) xyzzysqrl: A HYENA THAT CRUSHES LIKE A MACE! *glee face*
(6:47:40 AM) xyzzysqrl: Or I guess it would be an elephant or someth WHY AM I THINKING OF THIS.
(6:48:30 AM) swordianmaster: and then Nala would go splut and suddenly giant Wall-Es would descend from the heavens.
(6:48:57 AM) xyzzysqrl: ...now I'm thinking, like... Simba as Emil. Forced to wear the skeletal remains from that place the sun doesn't shine.
(6:49:26 AM) swordianmaster: ...And the wording of that makes me think of him pulling his skeleton OUT OF HIS RECTUM.
(6:49:26 AM) xyzzysqrl: Except he'd look more like a Jack Skellington cosplay, and then suddenly it's Kingdom Hearts.
(6:49:55 AM) swordianmaster: As long as we can get some Pumbaa drifting in, the world is a happy place.
(6:50:55 AM) swordianmaster: This is so going on the LJ, I hope you note.

(6:52:06 AM) xyzzysqrl: Can I just say that I was trying to remember the -name- of the "Where the light doesn't touch" place and just mangled it, for the record?
(6:52:28 AM) swordianmaster: (elephant graveyard, IIRC)
(6:52:53 AM) xyzzysqrl: OH.
(6:53:13 AM) xyzzysqrl: ...okay then yeah it can go on the LJ. Which is -also- a place the sun doesn't shine lately, I wish to note.
(6:53:17 AM) xyzzysqrl: *draw smiley face on you*

My friends are nuts. They are made of win and awesome.

She's three.

I've gotta keep telling myself, she's only three years old. Throwing tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants is natural and just because punishing her for it is not having an effect NOW, it WILL.

You know, a comment I read on errorist's journal made a little too much sense to me...

Simple. It's because society, especially in the west, elevates the notion of "self-sacrifice" much higher than that of "self-care". It is still considered sinful to love yourself, in most ways, after all. You're supposed to give "110%" for your team, your job, your coworkers, your family - and when does that leave you time for yourself?

[...]

And then, to top it all off, we're made to feel guilty about not taking care of ourselves. But not because we're being bad to ourselves, but because we're _costing other people time and money and safety_!

(Emphasis mine, full post with replies here)

DeAnna just walked by the bedroom, saw me on the computer, and just gave an exasperated sigh. Why? Because she was watching our daughter because I felt the need to go out to cool myself down. And yet here I was, on the computer, and lord knows it's not important that I called off from work so that she could get a little more rest than usual, it's not important that it's practically our daughter's bedtime, and let's just not mention that she's been acting like she feels a little better... I can't make the choice to write an entry on livejournal because I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE A REASON FOR HER TO WATCH OUR DAUGHTER. People keep getting upset when I say I need "me" time, when I say that I stay up till 6 AM because the middle of the night is really the only time I get to myself... The complaint I often get is that I take too much time for myself. Here's a little hint, world.

IF I HAVE TO SEE YOU, IF I HAVE TO HEAR YOUR VOICE, IF I AM DOING SOMETHING FOR YOUR SAKE, THAT TIME IS NOT MINE. IT IS YOURS BECAUSE YOU ARE DILUTING IT WITH YOUR PRESENCE.

This goes to everyone and everything. Friends and loved ones - particularly my daughter - are more allowed to have my time, but I still need some alone, you know? I feel like everyone in the world expects something of me, and if I blink for just one second because my eyes are dry, I'm in the wrong for being selfish.

Well, it's kind of ironic, seeing as I'm at work, but this is really the only place were I have the presence of mind to update my journal, seeing as I'm here covering for the staff in the computer lab at Central Park. Once again, my schedule of "spaz out, don't update for a few months, infodump all in one post, spaz out" seems to be working superbly, as a lot has happened since I last made a serious post.

1) Ariana Denise Marie Porbansky. Yes, I now have a daughter. That alone is enough to drive me around the bend, especially since it feels like I can't do anything for myself any more - even think. I feel like I'm not allowed to -think-, and it's driving me crazy.
2) I also now have two jobs (paying jobs, for those of you who are all like HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR BUT BEEING A DADDY IS A JORB TO, BRIAN LOLZ - god damn retarded coworkers) to make ends meet: the job I had at the James L. Brulte Senior Center (occasionally referred to as 'Central Park', as that's the proper building name) setting up rooms and performing routine customer service, and a job at the Best Western here in Rancho Cucamonga, doing...well, the exact same thing. I set up rooms, keep things clean, smile and wave at folks as I pass them by. Really, the dual jobs isn't bothering me too bad (past the fact I never get a day off ever again)... I suppose it's one advantage of having absolutely nobrainer work. My only problems are office politics here at the center, really. Damn city government...
3) Due to these two facts, two things have occured: one, my reviewing at WorthPlaying has trickled down a bit since I seem to have NO FREE TIME EVER AGAIN, and two, I now have a DS and have been spending way more money than I should on games, of which I now have three - Tetris DS, Kirby Canvas Curse, and Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow. Love for all the games, particularly DoS. Rocket-propelled grenade launcher for the mothafuckin WIN. No other game system can claim it allows you to play as Dracula whilst blowing up zombies with fucking RPG rounds. ...Except for maybe some obscure-ass Quake mod, I dunno.

So, how's life? Life is... stressful. DeAnna's had complication after complication related to the pregnancy, delivery, her weight, and so forth, I feel like I have exactly no free time I can spend doing anything to vent, and I'm missing progressively more work to help DeAnna with our daughter.

Above all that, it's just getting more and more obvious how much I regret having to leave Texas - sure, the state itself was full of rednecks and asshole drivers, but at least I felt more free there. Here in California, I feel like I'm trapped into living with my mother, stuck in shitty jobs just to keep myself - and my family - sane, and don't really have anywhere to go in order to destress. I will admit that it has its advantages though - mutt12, my old roomie, had a tendency to... well, hyperspaz when things went awry.. I can only imagine what kind of wreck he would've been if we'd stayed with him, what with the repeated problems DeAnna's had - job or no job. My mom, at the very least, is very, very calm and rational about those things, and if it weren't for her, we'd probably have a couple thousand dollars EXTRA in hospital bills now. (Not counting the $5000 that I've racked up over the past two years. Aiyaaaa...)