Ugh. Life just keeps getting better, you know? At the moment, the suck is in remission and I've actually woken up a little early
for work, so I can kind of vent in here. Maybe. If I can get the words out.
The senior center - James L. Brulte, mind you, the 'evolution' of my old job at the Rancho Cucamonga Senior Center - is killing me.
The politics, the inanity, the chiefs (we'll get to that later)... I'm getting way too stressed, and with a ~$600 a month job, I can't afford to do that. Especially with a child on the way and a significant other too pregnant to work. I got admitted to the hospital about a month ago, in ER state. Thought I was having a heart attack. Turns out, no heart attack, I just have approximately an unholy fuckload more liver enzymes than I should. So my liver is acting roughly like a weather balloon in my chest and trying to hump the hell out of all my internal organs.
I can only guess that stress, while not potentially the main factor, certainly played a role. I can't stand my job.
Sure. What I do is essentially banquet hall setup. That
part is fine. If I was doing that for a hotel or a convention center, I'd be aces. But at the same time, I'm under a microscope, as I often feel like I'm the only indian in a tribe of chiefs, as the saying goes. As a general, we have at least five supervisors we answer to, when typically we have maybe... two people actually working
at a time. I personally could be considered to have six, as June Reese, the woman in charge of the city's Trips and Tours program, seemed to have no problem begging to get me back doing work for her as soon as I got back into this job.
And then there's all the politics.
This is city government. Nothing, and I mean nothing
ever goes right here. And folks above my head keep throwing around the blame like a football, completely ignorant that while they do so, our patrons are taking their own personal dissatisfaction with the center and placing responsibility solely on the one person who can't pass it on to someone else - the Recreation Assistants. The low men on the totem pole. The grunts. Me
.This reflects poorly on my work ethic, and so I get yelled at by the same supervisors who should have stepped up to the mound and actually planned
for situations such as may have happened.
The worst part? I can't seem to break free. Every job I've tried to find has been a dead end. I keep calling employment agencies, they don't call back. I interview with companies, I get rejected. All I'm asking for is a job that either pays a bit better, or that doesn' t keep pushing me further and further into a grave. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently it is. Apparently I'm not qualified to do anything but walk and drool on myself at the same time. Here are my current problems:
1) No car. This is by choice, but it's really wrecking my chances for a job. Don't these people know that some people can't drive!? I know pembrokewkorgi
is medically prohibited from driving, and I personally feel that I can't trust myself behind the wheel without major psychiatric help. I have a fear of driving that stems from recurring nightmares in my early teen years, which may in turn be derived from repressed memories - no way to tell. Either way, I know
that when I get behind the wheel, an accident is inevitable - Even if I drove perfectly, there are a lot of asshats with cellphones grafted into their skull out there, and I'd eventually get hit. And I seriously feel that if I do get in an accident, it won't happen again.
Because, you know, I'd be dead. That sort of thing always ruins my fun.
2) I have no degree. I have no way of showing how skilled I am. As a matter of fact, my final GPA at school was average if not downright abysmal. School was a really tough part of my life, and as in most things, the part that mattered the least to me - the schoolwork - got brushed under the carpet and ignored.
3) I've never been in a job more than two years. mutt12
had it easy. When I was living with him in Dallas, he got a job within weeks. Why? Because he lasted in a job known for its lay-offs for a good five years
. I don't have
that advantage. Hell, I haven't even been work-worthy
for five years yet. I'm only twenty-two and already I have to do things like this.
4) This one is more of a personal thing - I won't work retail. I know how I react to problems better than anyone else, and I know the pressure of retail would make me snap in a matter of weeks. It has before - Engrave 'N Things proved that. Plus, I have absolutely no way of finding a job in retail that either a) pays more than minimum wage, b) hires full time hours, c) treats me like a real person, or d) any of the above.
I just feel trapped. I can't work at the center any more, but at the same time, I can't leave, and it seems like the only other options I have are ones that actually make me worse
off than I am. Ugh..
And it doesn't help that my mother's job - since she's paying the bills
and all - is raping her up the ass as bad, if not worse, than mine is. She's stretched thinner than a sheet, it's causing her noticable damage, as well, and worst of all, I can't do anything to help. I'm so mired in my own bills that I can barely even help her with expenses. (Of course, at the same time, she flat out recommends I try that very same company, knowing how badly it's screwed her. And doesn't
understand why I refuse. The hell?)
And as a final minor bit of icing - little things, but still there:
1) My iPod fried again
about a week ago. I'm beginning to think of trying to find Steve Jobs and giving him a swift kick in the iNards
2) Tales of Phantasia for the GBA is published...by... Nintendo. MOTHERFUCKING NINTENDO. That means no, no review possibilities there, as Nintendo seems to hate WorthPlaying with a passion - or at least ignore the site with a something. Same shit happened with FF4 Advance... except -that- was playable on VBA. Lord only knows how ToP will run. IF there's a rom out there.
Argh. It's time to go to work.