Twenty minutes ago, I came home with the daily groceries, put them away, loaded dirty dishes in the dishwasher and took out the trash all while my daughters, 9 and 16, sat in the living room watching a movie and didn't even glance my way past thanking me for getting them lunch. In other words, it was the same thing I do every day, just like always. Except now, in the back of my mind, memento mori rings clear. The reason for that goes back twelve hours: last night, there was an altercation in my apartment between my father-in-law, my spouse, and myself. It escalated to him calling the police on me for assault... and ended in him being taken away, in handcuffs, in the back of a squad car. They told us it was an outstanding warrant - others in the family say he had been talking just the other day about Failure to Appear In Court - but they also told us they, the City of Farmers Branch, would be pressing charges of family violence on him for what transpired.

Were we not locked in an abusive situation, I would be ecstatic about this news, and part of me still somewhat feels that way. Good riddance, that part of my brain says. He has taken our hospitality and used it to treat us like his personal slaves for five years, in a situation where he can do no wrong and anyone who says otherwise is the scum of the earth. Unfortunately, abusive situations always have a lock, a trap. A dead man's switch, if you would, where if the abuser is removed from a situation, everyone he interacted with is harmed. DeAnna, my spouse, was his stay-at-home caretaker, which meant his Medicaid was paying her income. If he is out of the picture, we not only lose the $600 contribution he made monthly to bills and rent, we lose over half of DeAnna's working wages. She only makes approximately $1000 a month in wages and can't find another job due to her newly-developed seizures (roughly one every two weeks, semi- but not completely predictable, for the last ten months) making it impossible to safely be alone or do labor for any span of time. If her abuser, one of her two clients, is out of the picture, we lose another $600 to $700 a month in her wages. I receive a $730 disability stipend every month due to my social anxiety and bipolar leaving me unable to cope in society, and her uncle - her other client - makes roughly the same due to being physically disabled and unable to walk more than a few feet at a time.

We could normally manage, even in this worst of times. We would ask for assistance, friends both in-person and online would do their best to help, and we would cut back as much as we could. It's not as tight a fit as it seems, considering losing the $600 contribution from my father-in-law would also mean we lose the $400+ deficit from his cigarette addiction which, to him, eclipses even the need for food or shelter. The problem, however, comes at the end of the next month.

On July 31st, the lease on our apartment expires. Most leases require you to have proof of income equal to or greater than double your rent in order for you to sign. Our rent is $1205 a month... and our household income, should the worst come to pass, would be $1700-1800 a month. I am mentally disabled, Steve is physically disabled, DeAnna has a condition that makes it a significant risk to herself and others for her to work. Even were she to get in a situation where Social Security would consider her a case for disability herself, there's not enough time for bureaucracy to work through its red tape and help.

There are three outcomes to this situation that I can see:

  • DeAnna's father is returned here with a slap on the wrist and a stern talking to. This is the best option financially, but the worst option emotionally. We wouldn't be in a hopeless situation... but the thought that it will happen again, far more permanently, will hang over us until it comes to pass once more. In addition, I have no doubts that he will hold this incident against me and against DeAnna if he was at all lucid during the incident, and will only abuse us harder should he be returned to the household.
  • DeAnna's father, while in custody, shows just how unstable and unwell he is, and gets taken to the locak psychiatric hospital. This is the best option emotionally, as it potentially allows everyone a chance to heal and recover... but it and the next option both leave us in dire straits where we may end up homeless in two months' time.
  • The worst comes to pass and DeAnna's father is either incarcerated or harmed due to his own recklessness and bullishness. This actually has no worse effects on the household than the last option, but it would strain on DeAnna's already fragile mental state more and could actually worsen whatever is causing her seizures. She and I already blame ourselves for what happened, as abuse victims often do.


I'm not asking for help here. I don't know what help we need, or even how to receive it. I'm not asking you to keep me in your prayers, as I came to terms with the fact long ago that, if there is a God that actually has power over this world, I and my family are forsaken by that God.

I just wanted to tell people about my situation. That way, if on August 1st, 2015, I'm no longer around... well, everyone knows why. That way, while I'm having an unending anxiety breakdown over the last few months and feel like the world is crumbling beneath my fingers, people know what caused it.

Thank you for reading this; if you have, know that you are one of the most important people in my life, and I love you like family. And I'm sorry, if I've ever hurt any of you.
Welp.

DeAnna and Amy just left for Austin, to audition for X-Factor. (Rather, Amy is auditioning, DeAnna is moral support). This has me worried for several reasons.

One, they're basically grazing a tornado; we're getting the southern bands here, and it's not gonna clear up before they reach Austin.

Two, even if everything goes without a hitch, they'll be gone until late Thursday/early Friday.

For the rest of the week, I am the sole person taking care of my daughter and keeping an eye on my father-in-law.

I am scared shitless.

EDIT: Just to clear things up, as comments were already made:
(9:40:40 PM) bahamut725: I'm not holding this against DeAnna
(9:41:12 PM) bahamut725: if one of my friends had basically nobody else believing they could make anything of themselves
(9:41:17 PM) bahamut725: I'd be there for them no matter what, too
(9:41:22 PM) bahamut725: and this was discussed. At length.
(9:41:37 PM) bahamut725: Doesn't make the reality of it any less terrifying.
father in law is getting increasingly abusive, his addiction to painkillers is getting further and further out of control, and it may hit the point where we have to tell him to go fuck himself, even though he's pretty much the only reason we can still get bills paid

so, uh
hooray potential homelessness

But, oh hey! Let's look at the bright side! I have an interview Friday! For a full-time job that would pretty much systematically ruin the rest of my free time, make it so that I pretty much never see my daughter again (It's 3 PM-Midnight, and my daughter doesn't get home from school until about 3:15p)... and did I mention it was full-time when even a 20 hour job was enough to make me explosively violent and ruin any sort of connections I have with any of my friends, as well as enough to give me suicidal tendencies?
The port is busted on Amy's laptop - I tried to open it up and half of the port literally FELL OUT. Not only did it get desoldered, but it also got smashed to shit when the father-in-law fucking dropped it (a fact I was NOT MADE AWARE OF until EARLIER TODAY). Best Buy estimates that it'd be $150+ to repair if it WASN'T soldered to the mobo, but if it was attached to the mobo, the comp is totalled. (I couldn't open the laptop enough to see - it's not as easy as a computer is, darn it!)

The plus side there is that the HD and RAM are both perfectly fine, meaning the computer is perfectly viable for scavenging if Amy so desires it.

Likewise, the 60mb that I got from my friend is fine, but the Desktop's mobo is unmistakably fried.

I spent the last $10 of [livejournal.com profile] schrodikitten's gift money to get my bike tire fixed, and am now on a library computer for the moment. It's not a solution for RP, but at least I don't want to shove my head through a plate glass window now. God DAMN, fighting with a 3DS is a royal bitch.

Also, for those interested in helping out [personal profile] opalinesque to search for a cheap replacement, she has offered to help me out. Feel free to use this post to discuss things, I'll keep an eye on things from my remaining home link, though I might not reply too well.
swordianmaster: (PERFECT ORBIT MY ASS)
( Dec. 8th, 2011 05:51 pm)
(5:37:22 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: 23 muscle relaxers in 7 days.
(5:37:39 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: And he says he doesn't overmedicate.
(5:37:40 PM) [livejournal.com profile] bossgoji: O_O
(5:37:45 PM) [livejournal.com profile] bossgoji: Jesus christ!
(5:37:49 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: Yeeeah.
(5:38:04 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: He's gone through three weeks worth of meds in one week.
(5:38:24 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: More than, actually.
(5:38:35 PM) [livejournal.com profile] bossgoji: Sigh.
(5:38:54 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: Leading to moments like this, where he SOUNDS lucid, but he's barely able to keep himself upright and seems to have flashed back to about a year ago,
(5:39:11 PM) [livejournal.com profile] bossgoji: Yeeeeeeeeeeeesh.
(5:39:16 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: WELCOME TO MY LIFE :D

EDIT:
(6:05:04 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: hahahaha and in trying to defend DeAnna, I hear exactly what I've been expecting to hear.
(6:05:14 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: I don't contribute anything to this house, so shut the fuck up. :D
(6:05:28 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: And then I get yelled at for not keeping my mouth shut.
(6:05:41 PM) [livejournal.com profile] bossgoji: =(
(6:06:40 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: And now he's stumbling around, wondering where the truck is.
(6:07:08 PM) [livejournal.com profile] swordianmaster: I don't know if I've mentioned to you? But the entire time since I've been in Texas we have been completely without motorized transportation. That is at LEAST a year and a half.
Copypastaing AIM log. I'm not going to write this again.

(8:50:59 PM) Bahamut725: Let me paint you the scenario. We have very little food - we're down to ramen, pretty much, and that's -it- - and DeAnna's check, clearing at midnight... is exactly enough to keep our bills paid. Verizon wants $213, we're getting $215 because of whatever state milking her for child support.
(8:51:45 PM) Bahamut725: I get woken up, five minutes ago, to DeAnna arguing with her father because "I'm hungry. I need cigarettes. And Pepsi."
(8:51:50 PM) Bahamut725: Like a petulant five year old.
(8:52:20 PM) Bahamut725: Getting whiny and pissy because we weren't able to go to a PAWN SHOP today to try to get money. With things we don;t have available to pawn. On a Sunday, when pawn shops are closed.
(8:53:09 PM) [livejournal.com profile] bossgoji: (because clearly, throwing away your actual worthwhile possessions to get cigarettes is a smart decision)
(8:53:10 PM) Bahamut725: And I know the minute that DeAnna gets her paycheck, she is going to let this man walk all over her, because she thinks a corporation will be more lenient and understanding than him.
(8:54:04 PM) Bahamut725: In his world?
(8:54:15 PM) Bahamut725: Cigarettes > his needs > everything else in existance
(8:54:32 PM) [livejournal.com profile] bossgoji: Such is the way of an addict.
(8:54:41 PM) Bahamut725: If we had to murder someone, or rob a bank? His reply would be "about fuckin' time".
(8:55:10 PM) [livejournal.com profile] bossgoji: Nothing really matters to them except their next fix, honestly. I've seen it way too often, so believe me, sympathy is there.
(8:55:38 PM) Bahamut725: He's an addict who is currently OUR SOURCE OF INCOME, though.
(8:55:50 PM) Bahamut725: So any intervention is going to invariably shoot us in the foot.
(8:56:06 PM) Bahamut725: (As opposed to the more longterm of the foot slowly rotting off and dying.)

Long story short: we have no food, barely enough money to get food IF we manage to somehow beg Verizon for every bit of lenience they can give - hahahahahhahah funny joke - and my father-in-law is begging us to throw shit away on cigarettes and Pepsi.

only reason i haven't started shooting people is because i don't have a gun, jfc.
HEY

HEY GUYS

REMEMBER WHEN I COMPLAINED ABOUT BASICALLY RUNNING PRESCRIPTION DRUGS SO MY FATHER-IN-LAW COULD GET CIGARETTES

WELL APPARENTLY

IN THE WHOLE WHOPPING HOUR THAT I WAS OUT GETTING GROCERIES

THE CHICK THAT WAS DOING THAT SHIT CALLED

AND SO NOW

MY EVER SO GENEROUS FAMILY

HAS DECIDED TO INVITE A DRUGGIE INTO OUR HOUSE TO STAY UNTIL SHE "GETS BACK ON HER FEET"

WITHOUT MY INPUT

BECAUSE THEY "CAN'T STAND TO SEE SOMEONE WITHOUT A PLACE TO STAY"

HEY

HEY FUCKERS

DID YOU EVER THINK THAT MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE SHE'S A MOTHERFUCKING ADDICT THAT SHE GOT INTO THIS SITUATION

AND IT'S NICE THAT YOU GUYS CAN MAKE DECISIONS THAT COULD ACTUALLY GET US KICKED OUT OF OUR HOME

IN THE SPAN OF FIVE FUCKING MINUTES

WITHOUT ANY INPUT FROM THE OTHER PEOPLE LIVING HERE

BECAUSE YOU'RE OH SO FUCKING GENEROUS

OH YEAH

AND LET'S NOT FORGET THAT WE'RE STRUGGLING TO MAKE ENDS MEET AS IT IS

AND THAT WE'RE INTRODUCING ANOTHER DRUGGIE INTO A HOUSEHOLD WITH A FIVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHGSIVUHFOUVNOSUFOGVIR
i give up. i can't fucking take this shit any more. i can't take life just deciding it's AOK to pile MORE bullshit onto me.

just so everyone knows, chances are... pretty fucking good that I'm going to completely lose net access sometime Thursday. Dunno when I'll get it back.

So... sorry. To people who like me. Or depend on me ha ha ha ha what am I saying.
fuck you, Verizon. Fuck you, and not allowing even partial payments to the $291 you insist we owe you.

Not gonna ask for money again; Western Union makes that far more of a clusterfuck than I want anyone to go through, and more importantly, I'm sick of owing people. In addition, the ability to pay it is, currently - a big unknown. I don't KNOW if we're getting help to pay it or not, and I don't want to ask people to help if we don't need it because GOD FUCKING DAMN, ANY FUCKING MONEY THAT IS UNACCOUNTED FOR JUST GOES TO SHOVELING CIGARETTES DOWN MY FUCKING FATHER-IN-LAW'S GULLET.

I'm sick of this. I really am. There's a small pile of pocket change sitting right in front of the computer, nice and stacked up, and I know for a fact that someone's being passive-aggressive and expecting me to go out and buy cigarettes with it. And I know if I don't, someone else will. Except, everyone here knows that, being how I am, that will just make me feel GUILTIER because I'm more capable. And so, in my refusal, I'm making others strain themselves. Including a fifty-five year old who can barely WALK twenty feet, much less the 500 meters or so it is to the local gas station.

I know for a fact that he will violently oppose change on this stance, considering his, well, forceful outbursts and the fact that his view on his smoking habit is "It's my body, if I want to kill it, so be it", his shortsighted nature meaning he doesn't give two and a half shits about anybody but himself (if he did, he'd actually consider SAVING SOME OF HIS SSI CHECK FOR BILLS instead of squandering it on goddamn FAST FOOD CRAVINGS) and, again, if you tell him no, he'll either lash out at you or force himself to do it - one way or another, to defy him is to have SOMEBODY get hurt.

I'm fucking SICK of this.
.

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i am a sord lol

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